
Pregnancy/Baby
Babies Changing Family Dynamics
By Debbie Montgomery
June/July 2003
One plus one is two. Two plus one is three. Three plus one is
four. And so on. Seems simple, doesn't it, unless what
you are adding is new family members, or tornadoes.
Family dynamics are an important part of living together. Life
changes for both parties when there is a marriage and continues
to evolve as the two people who make up that union grow and change
emotionally and professionally. Meandering through the obstacle
course called life with a partner can be very difficult, and very
rewarding.
Add a child or two, maybe even a few, into the mix and what you
have is team work and lots of extra work to do. Problems multiply,
but blessings and bliss are squared infinitely. Life alone pales
in comparison.
Siblings growing up together go through some hard times, but
the bond siblings form is long lasting and can be invaluable. The
relationships
that children forge with their parents and siblings have a lifelong
affect on their personalities and their own sense of self.
When the first baby is born parents are often bowled over by
the sheer amount of work required by a newborn and the incredible
amount
of love they feel for
that tiny, noisy creature. It’s okay to be bowled over, just be sure you
are holding onto your mate very tightly. The emotional wreckage of sheer exhaustion
and colossal role changes sometimes leaves couples confused about what in the
world are they doing with each other. Dad may feel left out. Mom may feel Dad
doesn’t do enough to help and when he does, it’s all wrong. Just
hang on. These feelings will pass. Though the waves are strong, you must be stronger.
Adding a second child also causes quite a stir. Mom and Dad are
experienced by now, but the first child is shocked. This role change
from youngest to oldest
hits hard whether the eldest is 10 months or ten years.
Prepare the older child for this big change, but don’t talk about it too
much in the early months. Try to make adjustments such as a new school, potty
training or moving to a different room well in advance of the second child’s
birth. Big sister or big brother class at your hospital are a great idea. Go
through your child’s old baby pictures. Point out and spend time with other
families that have more than one child.
Once the second child is born expect some regression, aggression
and resentment from your oldest. Be extra forgiving and find
extra one-on-one time for your
oldest at this critical juncture. Encourage your child to help you with the
baby in little ways, but don’t force the issue. Make sure to have small gifts
on hand for your oldest so that when the new baby gets a present from visitors
your oldest does too. Jealousy is perfectly natural for a while, but time will
heal this wound fairly quickly.
The oldest is proud of his new role. Encourage caretaking instincts
and play with the baby, carefully monitored of course. Eventually,
they will become
good friends. The oldest adjusts to the change, forgets how things used to
be and
starts to enjoy the added companionship. Just make sure that the oldest has
time and space away from baby when needed. And vice versa.
These needs for privacy and private possessions
will not go away as your children get older. You will learn by
the escalating
tones of voice when to step in
and redirect disagreements, possessions and physical proximity and when to
just leave
them be.
Children need to squabble. Young animals playfight.
So do humans. You can insist on no physical violence, but know
that verbal
cruelty can be just
as dangerous.
Know when to step in. Reduce tensions with calm and humor if possible. Separate
combatants for a quick fix when tempers need to cool. Trying to avoid this
problem by having only one child will not work completely. Only children
tend to squabble
more with their parents.
The addition of a third child starts out about the same, but
as the children grow their relationships become more complex. The
oldest tends to be the
leader, and a bit bossy. The second child is closer in age to the third
which makes
it easier for them to enjoy their play, but the second child does not have
the patience
that the oldest usually does.
The best way to keep everybody happy is to make sure that every
one of your family members, including your mate, knows that you
love them. Make
sure
they know that
you expect them to love each other. After a quarrel, hands should be shaken
or hugs exchanged. “Sorreeeee!” doesn’t work.
Touch your children. If your child feels that they are too old for hugs
and kisses then use pats on the back and hair rufflings. Don’t stop when they become
teens. If you can’t get away with touch then use lots of eye contact.
Family play time is easy when there are Barbies and Legos lying
around, but don’t
give up when children get older. Card games, board games and sports are a great
way to connect. Buy a volleyball net, croquet set or basketball hoop. Family
vacations and adventures are great. But don’t forget to use hanging out
time as your everyday family glue. Don’t let life get overscheduled.
Conversation is a favored form of play once everyone learns to
talk. Of course there will be yelling, teasing and whining, too.
Your job as a parent
is
to learn to discern from several rooms away the sound of a sibling discussion
that is
about to blow. Don’t step in too early. Sometimes you’ll be surprised
by laughter instead of tears. Stay calm and go with your gut feeling.
Of course, you’ll make a few mistakes. After all, we’re
only human and that is what we are trying to raise, as sanely and
humanely as possible.
Great resources include:
The Irreducible Needs of Children by T. Berry Brazelton, M.D. and
Stanley I Greenspan, M.D., Perseus Publishing c. 2000.
Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach, Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., c.
1997.
Caring for Your Baby and Child edited by Steven P. Shelow, M.D.,
Bantam Books, c. 1998.
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