
Online only article
Talking Turkey with Your Child's Teacher
10 Steps For Communicating Concerns without Ruffling Feathers
By Yvonne Bender
Posted January 2005
Okay, so you're concerned about your child's latest report card
grades,
especially the math grade that went from an "A" to a "D" all
in one marking
period (and you had no idea, nada, nothing!). Maybe it's the fact
that your
child loved school last year but positively hates it this year,
or perhaps it's
the poorly prepared and haphazardly graded written work that he
brings
home. Whatever your concern, you know it's time to meet with your
child
teacher and talk turkey. The problem is, how do you do this so
that
everyone's blood pressure remains in the normal range and you still
discuss
and resolve difficult and emotionally charged issues with the person
who has
(from your point of view) absolute authority over your child's
success and
resultant happiness every day?
Well, speaking from the teacher's side of the conference table,
here are some
basic steps you can take to improve your chances of participating
in a
pleasant and productive parent teacher conference, one during which
real
issues are discussed candidly and a mutually agreeable plan of
action is
devised or a problem is actually resolved.
1. Calm down and pinpoint the problem.
Before scheduling a meeting with your child's teacher, take a few
deep
breaths and pinpoint exactly what you believe the problem to be.
The
pinpointing process usually requires a candid talk with your child
to find out
his side of the story. It also requires that you keep things in
perspective by
reminding yourself that there are at least two sides to every story
and your
child's side might be a little more than slightly biased in his
favor. After
stepping back, speaking with your child, and trying to get things
in
perspective, you may realize that your concern about the freefalling
math
grade isn't simply that your child suddenly wasn't getting it in
math or that he
wasn't even trying to get it (although these are indeed problems
you want to
address with his teacher). What concerns you the most and has you
more
than a little peeved is the fact that you didn't even know your
child wasn't
getting it until it was too late for you to help him get it or
even to try to
make him want to get it!
2. Imagine some possible solutions for the problem.
Although it is easier to have the teacher suggest solutions to
school related
problems, it's best for you to go to a meeting with one or two
plausible
solutions of your own, just in case you find the teacher's suggestions
totally
unacceptable. For example, some possible solutions to the non-communicated
poor math grades might be to request the teacher email you a brief
report on
your child's weekly progress in math class and to have the teacher
or
guidance counselor attain tutoring help for your son from a math
savvy
student (or, even better, a math savvy teacher.)
3. Prepare a list of questions you would like answered during
the meeting.
When formulating questions, word them so they are direct, clear
and devoid
of accusatory 'why-didn't-you' language. For example, if you were
preparing
for a meeting to discuss your child's suddenly poor math grade,
your question
list might include:
- What caused the drastic drop in my child's math grade?
- What
can be done at school to help him better understand the material
and
improve his grade?
- What can I do at home to support the school's
efforts?
- How can we work together to improve communication so
I'm better informed
about my child's progress?
4. Schedule the meeting.
After you've thought things through, contact the teacher and schedule
a
meeting. If you contact the teacher by phone, avoid the tendency
to discuss
your concern in its entirety during the course of scheduling the
meeting since
doing so usurps the teacher's planning time and has the overall
effect of
negating the need for a meeting.
Choose a mutually agreeable time.
Afternoon meetings are best for most teachers since their mornings
are
usually occupied making last minute preparations for the day's
classes.
Therefore, when a morning meeting runs longer than scheduled
these
teachers tend to get antsy, distracted, and, depending on the
manageability
of their first period class, even panic-stricken.
Inform the teacher of the meeting's purpose.
It is always helpful for the teacher to have some idea as to
the purpose of
the meeting, and if they are not told, most will ask. This
is not because they
are unusually nosey but because they want to be better prepared
to address
your concerns and answer your questions.
Give the teacher an estimate of the amount of time you'll need.
Since the teacher may have to reschedule some of his other responsibilities
in
order to meet with you, it's thoughtful to give him some idea of the
amount
of time you think your meeting will take. A reasonable amount of time
for
meetings that are focused and effective is 30-45 minutes. Meetings that
run
longer than this usually involve many participants (parents, teachers,
school
psychologists, administrators, and so forth) and cover very serious issues.
Regardless of how upset you may be, always contact
the teacher first and
schedule a meeting. Don't just go barging into school demanding to
meet
with the teacher immediately. If you do so, you will not have the teacher's
undivided attention (envision yourself holding a party with twenty-five
children your child's age and having an impromptu visit by an irate
neighbor
wanting to know why her child wasn't invited) and neither he nor you
will be
properly prepared to discuss your concern in a calm, rational, and
productive
manner.
5. Arrive promptly.
Once you schedule a meeting be sure to attend it and make every
effort to
arrive on time. If for some reason, you find that you are unable
to follow
through or know that you will be late, inform the teacher ASAP.
Doing so
affords him, should he be biding his time waiting for your arrival,
the
opportunity to use that time more productively.
6. Begin Positively.
Since meetings tend to be more productive when they begin positively,
especially meetings that will eventually cover negative topics,
it's best to
start by saying something positive. You can thank the teacher for
taking the
time to meet with you and then make a few complimentary and/or
supportive
comments. For example, you might comment on the wonderful bulletin
board
displays or on how difficult the teacher's job must be and how
much you
appreciate his efforts.
7. Present your concerns in a clear yet non-accusatory manner.
Statements such as, "I'm concerned about the sudden and terrible
drop in
Billy's math grade and want to know what might have caused it and
what we
can do to help him improve" facilitate communication and encourage
cooperation." Statements such as, "I had no idea Billy
had suddenly tanked in
math! Why didn't you let me know what was happening? It's obvious
he
doesn't understand the material you're teaching so why haven't
you given him
some extra help?" build resentment and discourage open and
honest
discourse. The first statement expresses concerns using "I
messages" and
implies a shared responsibility for Billy's school success while
the remainder of
the statements use accusatory "you messages" that create
defensiveness
and imply that the teacher's incompetence caused Billy's downfall
in math.
8. Listen objectively to the teacher's responses to your
questions.
As a parent it's hard to listen objectively when someone critiques
your child,
even if in your heart of hearts you know their assessment is
correct. (It's
some sort of genetically programmed parental defense mechanism
that tells
you, "I can criticize my kids all I want to because they're
mine but anyone
else better not even think about it!") In order to have a
productive
conference, however, you must make every effort to control the
urge to
make defensive comments such as "I can't believe Billy hasn't
handed in ten
math homework assignments. When I saw his poor report card grade
in math,
I asked him if he completed all of the work for this class. He
told me he had,
and he wouldn't lie to me. . . about something like this." Remarks
such as
these (although understandable due to that genetically programmed
parental
defense mechanism thing) add little of value to the conference,
interrupt its
flow, and force the teacher, unless he is a silver-tongued and
extremely
gifted diplomat, into a lose-lose response.
9. Resolve differences
by focusing on problem solving.
Both you and your child's teacher want your child to do well
in school
although you may at times disagree on the best ways to do this.
One way to
resolve disagreements is to focus on problem solving instead
of playing the
blame game. If the teacher informs you that your child hasn't
handed in
several homework assignments, its immaterial that the precise
number is six
rather than seven and irrelevant that you disagree with the school's
homework policy (although you may wish to address this issue
at another
time.) The immediate problem is not the teacher's poor record
keeping or the
fact that school policy stipulates homework is assigned four
days a week.
The immediate problem is your child's poor homework performance
and, it's in
your child's best interest for you and the teacher arrive at
some way to help
him improve. If your child is having difficulty learning to read,
the immediate
and significant problem is finding a way to help her acquire
basic reading
skills, so it does little good, other than to create some hard
feelings, to
mention that you think the classroom bulletin boards need to
be redone. By
avoiding negative comments and focusing on practical problem
solving, it's
easier for everyone to discuss problems, resolve differences,
and arrive at a
mutually acceptable plan of action, and everyone usually has
a more pleasant
time while doing so.
10. Strive to end cordially.
Even if you and your child's teacher cannot agree on a plan of
action, strive
to end the meeting cordially. You do not have to be insincere to
do this, just
sensitive to the feelings of others. If you totally disagree with
the teacher's
position, politely tell him so, inform him of your intended course
of action, and
thank him for meeting with you. Do not storm out of the room in
a huff or tell
the teacher the issue is resolved and then follow up by complaining
to a
higher administrative authority. Hopefully, however, by following
steps one
through nine, your meeting with your child's teacher will be pleasant
and
productive, and your child's educational progress will flourish
as a result.
About the Author:
Yvonne Bender is the author of The Power of Positive Teaching,
which
consists of thirty-five practical and easily implemented teaching
strategies.
The Power of Positive Teaching
provides
hands-on advice for turning negative behaviors into positive
interactions, and
offers innovative methods for transforming common classroom struggles
into
opportunities for positive change. Ms. Bender taught in the Baltimore,
Maryland public schools for more than thirty years and was
a Maryland
Teacher of the Year nominee.
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