
Feature/General
Can Parents Be Too Strict?
By The Corner House Student Board
Jul/Aug 2007
Many parents go through their
children's teenage years with trepidation, fearing that danger
is lurking around every corner. They struggle with letting go,
learning by trial and error when the right time is to trust a teen
to make a sound decision on the spur of the moment. Parents are
reminded daily that maturity ebbs and flows in an adolescent. One
moment their son or daughter acts goofy and childlike, the next
he or she shows remarkable rationality and restraint. And
because parents understand the power of negative peer pressure,
most are never completely confident that their kid will behave
properly in the company of friends. As a result,
they clamp down hard when it comes to setting rules on curfews,
parties and dating, driving, money, even music and friends.
"You're ruining my life!" and "You just don't understand!"
are familiar outcries to anyone who has tried to enforce a curfew
or set rules with a rebellious adolescent. On the one hand, we
feel we must establish clear boundaries and educate our children
about the consequences of high‑risk behavior. On
the other hand, we constantly encourage them to grow up, try new
things, and take responsibility for their actions.
Given these realities, it's no wonder that parents and teens struggle
over rule setting. It's always been that way and maybe it always
will be.
When the topic of rule setting and rule breaking was put to the
eight high school seniors who make up the Corner House Student
Board, they had a lot to say.
Adults will be reassured to know that they acknowledged that sometimes
parents' fears are legitimate, that a teen's demands for total
autonomy can be unreasonable and excessive, and that parents are
right in setting limits and imposing rules. But they had some gripes,
too. And
they had plenty of practical advice for parents on how to minimize
the tensions that can make the teen years a constant battle of
wills.
Thoughtfully and candidly, they discussed their individual
experiences and those of their friends:
Q: Is experience the best teacher,
or is it a parent's responsibility to do everything possible to
prevent teens from making serious mistakes or indulging in behaviors
that threaten their health, safety, and welfare?
On this question, teens, like their parents, are searching for
the right balance. The group agreed that open communication was
at the heart of the issue. All
felt it is the parents' responsibility to talk to their children,
teach them about controlled substances, and tell them to steer
clear of drugs.
"Ultimately experience is the best teacher,"
offered Carol. "It's far better to experience something yourself
and know exactly what the consequences are than to take someone
else's word for it. Still, it's the parents' responsibility to
make sure they are not putting their children in harm's way. Parents
need to decide which experiences they will protect their children
from and which they'll let their kids feel their way though on
their own. In the beginning, when kids are just starting to go
to parties, it's the parents' job to make sure that the party
is safe and that there's no drinking or smoking there. Eventually,
the parents should let the kid go to these parties, but with a
set of rules to abide by."
Rafael concurred. "If parents don't show any concern, then the
child might feel they can do whatever they want. Parents should
talk to their children and tell them what things are okay and not
okay. Explain what could happen if they don't do the right thing.
But then trust your children to do the right thing. Never exaggerate
the consequences," he warned, inferring that such tactics only
erode trust.
"Parents sometimes have this idea that if their kids are
friends with the 'nice' and 'smart' kids at school, then
nothing bad will happen," added Lauren. "But every child, whether
they're at a 'jock' party or a 'smart'
party will be around alcohol and other drugs. They're out there.
Parents need to let their kids be around stuff and hope that, on
the basis of their talks, the kid will make responsible decisions.
If the child indulges, it's best for a parent to talk with her
appropriately and rationally and work from there."
"If you don't have your parents' trust from the get‑go
it may be difficult to get it at all," according to Andrew. "I
find that the parents of some of my friends read articles about
high school parties gone bad and feel as though every gathering
is a huge drinking binge. This is obviously not the case."
Guidelines
for Rule Setting
Some experts suggest that if you haven't started having frank,
frequent discussions with your kids about sex, tobacco, alcohol
and drugs, and other highly charged topics by age 12, you're in
for trouble. At that point, an unguided child is less likely to
turn to you for advice and more likely to model behavior on whichever
group at school seems 'cool.'
This reference group can vary for every child, but
a drive past any high school will convince you that there are probably
some kids you'd rather he not copy.
"The earlier you start setting rules, the better," Andrew
feels. He believes the best way to do this is to talk about the
issues and come up with reasonable guidelines together.
This may be easier said than done. The time to set rules, or modify
them, is not in the heat of an argument, or in front of friends,
or just before your child leaves the house on a Friday evening,
but at a neutral time when all involved can be calm, reasonable,
and less emotional. Discuss the issues at stake and restate family
standards and community practices. Talk about how and when your
teen has, or has not, demonstrated maturity, dependability, trustworthiness,
and good decision‑making skills.
"In 7th grade, the child
must be home at a certain time," Andrew said, "but as he gets older,
he can have more privileges as long as he doesn't screw up."
Andrew's advice didn't sit right with Rafael. "Parents
make the mistake of talking too much when they set rules," Rafael
said. "There shouldn't be a lot of explanation, because the more
a parent explains, the more a child can protest. If you just set
the rules and act like you know what you're talking about, then
your child will follow you on it."
"A common mistake a parent makes is making rules too unreasonable
or undeserved," Carol felt. "For instance, if you're doing well
in school and are balancing your activities well, and your parent
gives you a 9 p.m. curfew, it hardly seems fair. Parents need to
make sure their kids get the rules they deserve. If they've demonstrated
they are capable of making responsible decisions, the rules should
be more lenient. Teens earn their parents' trust by acting consistently
and responsibly."
Rafael had some advice for kids: "Earning your parents'
trust has a lot to do with hanging out with them more often, not
just following all their rules exactly. Keeping a close relationship
with your parents is far more important than just being a perfect
child. Happy parents don't ground their children; therefore, keep
your parents happy."
Lauren summed it up this way: "When parents are
close with their children, the children are more inclined to respect
the rules because they don't want to disappoint their parents."
Reprinted with permission of Corner House Counseling Agency, Princeton,
NJ
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