Feature/General
Can Parents Be Too Strict?
By The Corner House Student Board
Jul/Aug 2007

Many parents go through their children's teenage years with trepidation, fearing that danger is lurking around every corner. They struggle with letting go, learning by trial and error when the right time is to trust a teen to make a sound decision on the spur of the moment. Parents are reminded daily that maturity ebbs and flows in an adolescent. One moment their son or daughter acts goofy and childlike, the next he or she shows remarkable rationality and restraint.  And because parents understand the power of negative peer pressure, most are never completely confident that their kid will behave properly in the company of friends.  As a result, they clamp down hard when it comes to setting rules on curfews, parties and dating, driving, money, even music and friends.

 "You're ruining my life!" and "You just don't understand!" are familiar outcries to anyone who has tried to enforce a curfew or set rules with a rebellious adolescent. On the one hand, we feel we must establish clear boundaries and educate our children about the consequences of high‑risk behavior. On the other hand, we constantly encourage them to grow up, try new things, and take responsibility for their actions.

Given these realities, it's no wonder that parents and teens struggle over rule setting. It's always been that way and maybe it always will be.

When the topic of rule setting and rule breaking was put to the eight high school seniors who make up the Corner House Student Board, they had a lot to say.

Adults will be reassured to know that they acknowledged that sometimes parents' fears are legitimate, that a teen's demands for total autonomy can be unreasonable and excessive, and that parents are right in setting limits and imposing rules. But they had some gripes, too.  And they had plenty of practical advice for parents on how to minimize the tensions that can make the teen years a constant battle of wills.

Thoughtfully and candidly, they discussed their individual experiences and those of their friends:

Q: Is experience the best teacher, or is it a parent's responsibility to do everything possible to prevent teens from making serious mistakes or indulging in behaviors that threaten their health, safety, and welfare?

On this question, teens, like their parents, are searching for the right balance. The group agreed that open communication was at the heart of the issue.  All felt it is the parents' responsibility to talk to their children, teach them about controlled substances, and tell them to steer clear of drugs.

"Ultimately experience is the best teacher," offered Carol. "It's far better to experience something yourself and know exactly what the consequences are than to take someone else's word for it. Still, it's the parents' responsibility to make sure they are not putting their children in harm's way. Parents need to decide which experiences they will protect their children from and which they'll let their kids feel their way though on their own. In the beginning, when kids are just starting to go to parties, it's the parents' job to make sure that the party is safe and that there's no drinking or smoking there. Eventually, the parents should let the kid go to these parties, but with a set of rules to abide by."

Rafael concurred. "If parents don't show any concern, then the child might feel they can do whatever they want. Parents should talk to their children and tell them what things are okay and not okay. Explain what could happen if they don't do the right thing. But then trust your children to do the right thing. Never exaggerate the consequences," he warned, inferring that such tactics only erode trust.

"Parents sometimes have this idea that if their kids are friends with the 'nice' and 'smart' kids at school, then nothing bad will happen," added Lauren. "But every child, whether they're at a 'jock' party or a 'smart' party will be around alcohol and other drugs. They're out there. Parents need to let their kids be around stuff and hope that, on the basis of their talks, the kid will make responsible decisions. If the child indulges, it's best for a parent to talk with her appropriately and rationally and work from there."

"If you don't have your parents' trust from the get‑go it may be difficult to get it at all," according to Andrew. "I find that the parents of some of my friends read articles about high school parties gone bad and feel as though every gathering is a huge drinking binge. This is obviously not the case."

Guidelines for Rule Setting

Some experts suggest that if you haven't started having frank, frequent discussions with your kids about sex, tobacco, alcohol and drugs, and other highly charged topics by age 12, you're in for trouble. At that point, an unguided child is less likely to turn to you for advice and more likely to model behavior on whichever group at school seems 'cool.'

This reference group can vary for every child, but a drive past any high school will convince you that there are probably some kids you'd rather he not copy.

"The earlier you start setting rules, the better," Andrew feels. He believes the best way to do this is to talk about the issues and come up with reasonable guidelines together.

This may be easier said than done. The time to set rules, or modify them, is not in the heat of an argument, or in front of friends, or just before your child leaves the house on a Friday evening, but at a neutral time when all involved can be calm, reasonable, and less emotional. Discuss the issues at stake and restate family standards and community practices. Talk about how and when your teen has, or has not, demonstrated maturity, dependability, trustworthiness, and good decision‑making skills.

"In 7th grade, the child must be home at a certain time," Andrew said, "but as he gets older, he can have more privileges as long as he doesn't screw up."

Andrew's advice didn't sit right with Rafael. "Parents make the mistake of talking too much when they set rules," Rafael said. "There shouldn't be a lot of explanation, because the more a parent explains, the more a child can protest. If you just set the rules and act like you know what you're talking about, then your child will follow you on it."

"A common mistake a parent makes is making rules too unreasonable or undeserved," Carol felt. "For instance, if you're doing well in school and are balancing your activities well, and your parent gives you a 9 p.m. curfew, it hardly seems fair. Parents need to make sure their kids get the rules they deserve. If they've demonstrated they are capable of making responsible decisions, the rules should be more lenient. Teens earn their parents' trust by acting consistently and responsibly."

Rafael had some advice for kids: "Earning your parents' trust has a lot to do with hanging out with them more often, not just following all their rules exactly. Keeping a close relationship with your parents is far more important than just being a perfect child. Happy parents don't ground their children; therefore, keep your parents happy."

Lauren summed it up this way: "When parents are close with their children, the children are more inclined to respect the rules because they don't want to disappoint their parents."

Reprinted with permission of Corner House Counseling Agency, Princeton, NJ