
Feature/General
Single Parent Survival Guide
By Chris Fricks
March/April 2006
Are you a single parent? If so, then you are not alone...
There
are a lot of single parents in the Athens area. In fact, just over
a third of all households in Athens Clarke County, 34.5%, are run
by a single parent according to the 2000 US Census Bureau.
Male or female, custodial or non-custodial, we may be single from
the start or become that way due to divorce, separation, illness
or even death. While the circumstances that lead to our solo parenting
may be different, we all share similar challenges.
The responsibilities of parenting can seem overwhelming with a
partner and even more so without. But there is hope. You may not
have a partner but you can recognize what you do have and use it
to survive. Other parents have done it and you can too.
Moving on
One of the first steps to successful single parenting is acceptance;
letting go of your ideal of the perfect situation and dealing
with your life as it is now.
"You have to get past thinking, 'Well, if I had somebody
here it would be easier,' and then figure out how to handle it,"
said Sara, the single mother of a pre- teen.
Take Care of Yourself
Handling it doesn't mean you should be superhuman. It's important
to know your limits. In fact this is the one thing almost all
parents, single and otherwise, agree upon. "The best thing a
single parent can do is to take care of themselves," said Terre,
a single mother of 3 children.
Taking care of yourself means getting enough rest, exercise and
eating well. For some it includes pursuing hobbies or social activities
that enrich your life. For others, who have recently become single,
it can mean seeking professional help dealing with emotional stress.
After her husband became mentally ill, Terre made the decision
to attend therapy along with her children to help to deal with
her new situation. "Anything the parent does not deal with the
kids absorb, so get help," she advised.
 It's
more important for your child to be with a parent than to be
stuck in a room with an expensive toy |
Building a support network
Another important step in taking care of yourself is building a
support network of friends and family. Support networks are an
invaluable part of single parenting, enriching the lives of parents
and children in practical, emotional and social ways. In single
parenting situations such as Terre's, where the other parent
is unavailable to help, they are essential.
SALSA
organizer Wendy Fletcher with
children Lane and Laura |
For example, Raven's father lives 3 hours away, and while he visits
regularly it is a strain for his mother Sara to hold down a full
time job and night classes while taking care of her 11 year old
son. "If Raven or I get ill, I miss work. Even if something
small happens like he loses his door key when he gets off the bus,
there's no back up except calling people I know like friends to
help,"
said Sara.
On an emotional level they work as a surrogate family, fulfilling
the roles of absent parents. "I felt it was important that
my son have a positive female role model," said Mike, whose
son had been without a mother since he was 3. Church social groups,
parenting groups, and co-workers are places that he recommends
for finding healthy support.
And oftentimes an insular relationship can form between single
parents and their children. Sara said, "Sometimes, neither
he nor I have someone else to bounce things off of. So I encourage
him to talk to other adults that I trust to get perspective."
Time Management
Of course it takes time and energy to build a support network,
a luxury for many single parents.
"A single mother frequently has little time to do anything
but attend to her job her children and herself, writes Joan Anderson,
author of The Single Mother's Book. Joan,s advice for
balancing all these responsibilities; simplify your life, let go
of perfection, get the children to help, prioritize, learn to say
"no" and think of creative ways to manage your time.
After her divorce, Cathy soon discovered, "I had to do everything,
all of the stuff that you take for granted when you're married."
Struggling to find ways to ease her daily load, Cathy is teaching
her children to be more independent by having them help with small
chores around the house.
Mike also discovered that having a regular routine helped his
son become more self sufficient, allowing them both more quality
time together.
Add a job into the mix and the balancing act requires even more
creativity from single parents. Cathy has a flexible work schedule
that enables her to be there when her kids get home from school
each day.
Take control of your finances
Whether they have a regular source of income or not, single parents
may find themselves living on a reduced income or perhaps managing
money for the first time in their lives.
For temporary assistance, whether you believe you qualify or not,
don't be afraid to apply for aid from the government or for low
income loans or housing grants. If you need to acquire more marketable
skills, going back to school is a popular option for single parents.
Becoming financially solvent is not only about increasing your
income, it's also about learning how to handle your money.
There are many online articles and books written specifically to
assist single parents with handling their finances. And basic financial
classes are regularly available at the UGA Center for Continuing
Education.
You'll find that many of these articles emphasize the same thing
- budgeting. Creating a budget and staying within your limits is
essential. Don't be guilted into overspending, even on your children.
"It's more important for your child to be with a parent than to
be stuck in a room with an expensive toy," said Mike.
Be a parent first
Even if you do not have a lot of money or time you can still let
your child know that you love them unconditionally. Make the
most of what you do have. Single parents are still parents first.
"You only get one chance at it (parenting) so focus on that first
and then the other stuff will come around for you," said Mike.
Have faith that you can do it.
Chris Fricks is a single from the start mother of a 3 year old.
She balances part time jobs as a Professional Middle Eastern dancer,
financial assistant and freelance writer in order to spend as much
time as possible with her son.
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