Feature/General
Suddenly Single ... and Still a Mommy
By Lesli Terrell Payne
Jan/Feb 2007

A new year often brings new beginnings and this year, I find myself in a new role, that of a single mom. I never thought I would be a single parent (does anyone really ever think that?) and yet, here I am.

Of course, there are those out there who have chosen to be a single parent and to them I say - well, I'm not sure what to say because for me, this has been the hardest thing I've ever attempted! I'm not altogether sure that I would or could have chosen to be a single parent. When I was married, it was great to have help; in other words, my husband and I could tag team. We would take turns sleeping late on a Saturday or one of us would take one child to the grocery store while the other stayed home. Or if I just felt like crap, he could be "in charge." When you are a single parent, you no longer have that luxury. All of a sudden, you have two children all the time, no matter what. Running an errand with one child in tow is challenging enough, but with two, it is exhausting. I would see moms with their two, three, and four children and think, "Gosh, I hope she has some help at home or a great partner!" But now I'm that person, except there is no back up at home. But I digress.

Actually, I believe that I have become a better parent since divorcing last year. Before, it was easy to dump the children off on my husband while I attended this or that event/meeting/obligation and often I would arrive home after both children were in bed. I was constantly taking on projects and volunteering all over the place and missing out on valuable time with my kids. After separating and starting a custody rotation, I immediately realized that I needed to give some things up not only out of necessity but because I wanted to be with my children during a very awkward and emotional time. I resigned from an organization I was active in and I also gave up the specialist program I was in that would have put me one step closer to getting my doctorate. Afterwards, I felt tremendously better in terms of being able to take care of myself and my children without feeling stressed out all the time. I've always been the kind of person that couldn't say no to someone's request for help - but I've learned how to say no and not feel guilty about it because I know that ultimately, my children will benefit from my time with them. After all, they're only little once and I certainly don't want to miss out.

Adjusting to not seeing my children every day has by far been the hardest part for me. We truly take for granted the time we are given. Suddenly, not being able to snuggle with my 5 year old on the sofa or rock my toddler to sleep is heart wrenching. But I am thankful that their father and I get along quite well and we have an amazing custody arrangement (if any custody can be considered "amazing"); we switch off every two days, which is just the right amount of a break but without it being too long. I am surprised at how well my boys have adjusted to this new life. Henry, my 5 year old, loves having two rooms, two sets of toys, some things at Mommy's and some at Daddy's, and so on. Will, my almost 2 year old, sometimes shows apprehension when we first make the drop off with the other parent, but he's usually over it pretty quickly. I have some friends who only see their children on weekends or sometimes, every other weekend - I would fall apart! But alas, it's just one more part to being a single parent.

My parents divorced when I was very young; I think I was 3. I have very few memories of that time in my life and I suppose that is a good thing. But perhaps because I was a child of divorce, I have my own ideas of how it should or should not be done. I do not have a close relationship with my father; never have. I know that will not be the case for our children because they have such a wonderful dad and that is how I remain positive about our new situation.

I always said I would never get divorced, no matter what. I think I said this, in part, to prove to myself that I could make my marriage work even if it wasn't perfect. However, I realized that just because I am divorced, that does not make me any less of a parent; or not a good parent. When I first separated, it felt like I was the only person in the world that was divorced; especially at our daycare. I just kept thinking, "Surely we are not the only parents at this school who are divorced or trying to raise children on their own." But that is how I felt some days. I believe there is a tendency for others to judge the situation even if the reasons are unclear, which makes an awkward situation even more awkward. There is such stigma associated with divorce and granted, it is not fun for anyone involved, but unfortunately, it is a reality.

My children have always been my main concern throughout this experience- we talked to our pediatrician, we took a parenting class (state mandated), read children's books about divorce, had talks with our 5 year old - all to make sure that our children understood that it was not their fault that we were not going to be together anymore and that it did not affect our love for them. But I have to laugh. One book I found - Dinosaurs Divorce - was just plain awful. I flipped through all of the divorce books in the kids' section and found this one to be the least alarmist but, after getting it home, I realized it was nearly as bad. Recently Henry picked this one off his shelf as one of his bedtime stories - we usually have "one long, two short" books or some variation on that. So he chose the dinosaur book as his "long" story. I moaned. I just did not want to read it again - not because it was long, but because it was just so negative. I think I will write my own divorce book for kids and talk about all the "other" issues like how all of the colored socks will mysteriously end up at Daddy's house or how often my children are fed fast food when they visit their dad (though he is getting better) or the recent revelation (or protest) that "Daddy lets me watch Spongebob at his house!" Some days I do have to remind myself to just lighten up and not let it all stress me out. So what if they have mismatched pajamas (a top ends up at my house, the bottoms at Daddy's house) or Henry informs me that Dad fed them McDonald's again - it's all relative. And even I must admit that Spongebob is pretty funny.

Lesli Terrell Payne is single mom extraordinaire, serves as director for Old Dominion University, and is founder of Athens Single Parent Network (ASPN). She is currently in training for her first marathon benefiting Congolese women, www.runforcongowomen.com.