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Feature/General
Suddenly Single ... and Still a Mommy
By Lesli Terrell Payne
Jan/Feb 2007
A new year often brings new beginnings
and this year, I find myself in a new role, that of a single mom.
I never thought I would be a single parent (does anyone really
ever think that?) and yet, here I am.
Of course, there are those out there who have chosen to be a
single parent and to them I say - well, I'm not sure what to say
because for me, this has been the hardest thing I've ever attempted!
I'm not altogether sure that I would or could have chosen to be
a single parent. When I was married, it was great to have
help; in other words, my husband and I could tag team. We would
take turns sleeping late on a Saturday or one of us would take
one child to the grocery store while the other stayed home. Or
if I just felt like crap, he could be "in charge." When
you are a single parent, you no longer have that luxury. All of
a sudden, you have two children all the time, no matter what. Running
an errand with one child in tow is challenging enough, but with
two, it is exhausting. I would see moms with their two, three,
and four children and think, "Gosh, I hope she has some help
at home or a great partner!" But now I'm that person, except
there is no back up at home. But I digress.
Athens Single Parent
Network |
Being a single parent today
takes the idea of "multi tasking" to a whole new level; in
fact, one must almost be super human to do it at times. It
is for this reason that Athens Single Parent Network, aka
ASPN, is being created, because we all know that, in fact,
we are not super human despite the love and care we shower
upon our children.
As a single parent you are performing the
role of both mommy and daddy, while trying to do all the
regular day-to-day "stuff" (like laundry, dinner, work, breathe,
etc). Wouldn't it be terrific if you had a group of people
who were in a similar situation - whom you could vent to,
rely on, network with, and have fun with from time to time?
ASPN is modeled after a similar organization in Atlanta but
is very much in the infancy stage in terms of ideas, volunteer
help, organization, etc. If you are a single parent and would
like to find out more, please email us at AthensSPN@gmail.com.
Save the date!
On Wednesday, February 7, 2007, Athens Single Parent Network
will sponsor an evening for single parents at DRee & Co.
on Prince Avenue from 7:00 9:00 p.m. The event will include
wine and hors d'oeuvres plus many spa services. Cost
is $35 per person. For more information, email AthensSPN@gmail.com.
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Actually, I believe that I have become a better parent since
divorcing last year. Before, it was easy to dump the children off
on my husband while I attended this or that event/meeting/obligation
and often I would arrive home after both children were in bed.
I was constantly taking on projects and volunteering all over the
place and missing out on valuable time with my kids. After separating
and starting a custody rotation, I immediately realized that I
needed to give some things up not only out of necessity but because
I wanted to be with my children during a very awkward and emotional
time. I resigned from an organization I was active in and I also
gave up the specialist program I was in that would have put me
one step closer to getting my doctorate. Afterwards, I felt tremendously
better in terms of being able to take care of myself and my children
without feeling stressed out all the time. I've always been the
kind of person that couldn't say no to someone's request for help
- but I've learned how to say no and not feel guilty about it because
I know that ultimately, my children will benefit from my time with
them. After all, they're only little once and I certainly don't
want to miss out.
Adjusting to not seeing my children every day has by far been
the hardest part for me. We truly take for granted the time we
are given. Suddenly, not being able to snuggle with my 5 year old
on the sofa or rock my toddler to sleep is heart wrenching. But
I am thankful that their father and I get along quite well and
we have an amazing custody arrangement (if any custody can be considered
"amazing"); we switch off every two days, which is just the right
amount of a break but without it being too long. I am surprised
at how well my boys have adjusted to this new life. Henry, my 5
year old, loves having two rooms, two sets of toys, some things
at Mommy's and some at Daddy's, and so on. Will, my almost 2 year
old, sometimes shows apprehension when we first make the drop off
with the other parent, but he's usually over it pretty quickly.
I have some friends who only see their children on weekends or
sometimes, every other weekend - I would fall apart! But alas,
it's just one more part to being a single parent.
My parents divorced when I was very young; I think
I was 3. I have very few memories of that time in my life and I
suppose that is a good thing. But perhaps because I was a child
of divorce, I have my own ideas of how it should or should not
be done. I do not have a close relationship with my father; never
have. I know that will not be the case for our children because
they have such a wonderful dad and that is how I remain positive
about our new situation.
I always said I would never get divorced,
no matter what. I think I said this, in part, to prove to myself
that I could make my marriage work even if it wasn't perfect. However,
I realized that just because I am divorced, that does not make
me any less of a parent; or not a good parent. When I first separated,
it felt like I was the only person in the world that was divorced;
especially at our daycare. I just kept thinking, "Surely we are
not the only parents at this school who are divorced or trying
to raise children on their own." But that is how I felt some days.
I believe there is a tendency for others to judge the situation
even if the reasons are unclear, which makes an awkward situation
even more awkward. There is such stigma associated with divorce
and granted, it is not fun for anyone involved, but unfortunately,
it is a reality.
My children have always been my main concern throughout
this experience- we talked to our pediatrician, we took a parenting
class (state mandated), read children's books about divorce, had
talks with our 5 year old - all to make sure that our children
understood that it was not their fault that we were not going to
be together anymore and that it did not affect our love for them.
But I have to laugh. One book I found - Dinosaurs
Divorce - was
just plain awful. I flipped through all of the divorce books in
the kids' section and found this one to be the least alarmist but,
after getting it home, I realized it was nearly as bad. Recently
Henry picked this one off his shelf as one of his bedtime stories
- we usually have "one long, two short" books or some variation
on that. So he chose the dinosaur book as his "long" story. I moaned.
I just did not want to read it again - not because it was long,
but because it was just so negative. I think I will write my own
divorce book for kids and talk about all the "other" issues like
how all of the colored socks will mysteriously end up at Daddy's
house or how often my children are fed fast food when they visit
their dad (though he is getting better) or the recent revelation
(or protest) that "Daddy lets me watch Spongebob at
his house!" Some days I do have to remind myself to just lighten
up and not let it all stress me out. So what if they have mismatched
pajamas (a top ends up at my house, the bottoms at Daddy's house)
or Henry informs me that Dad fed them McDonald's again - it's all
relative. And even I must admit that Spongebob is pretty
funny.
Lesli Terrell Payne is single mom extraordinaire, serves as director
for Old Dominion University, and is founder of Athens Single Parent
Network (ASPN). She is currently in training for her first marathon
benefiting Congolese women, www.runforcongowomen.com.
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