Feature/General
Sibling Spats
By Debbie Montgomery
September/October 2004

Dogs do it. Cats do it. Polar bears do it too. It is no surprise that even the best children in the world (our own) fight with their brothers and sisters. Sibling rivalry, territorial issues, attention-seeking ploys, boredom, orneriness and instinct are all common causes as well as hunger, exhaustion, too much T.V. and the unending debate over who actually owns the toy albino bat with a green eyeball clutched between its paws. No one actually even likes this toy, but if a sibling is seen holding the horrid thing they might as well be waving a red battle flag.

Yes, children will fight over anything as anyone who has ever had anything to do with any of them well knows. You can buy them identical toys and they’ll find subtle differences. What (besides going completely insane) is a parent to do?

Teach them to fight nicely, dear. Parents can help their children avoid conflicts, but when push comes to shove we must make sure there is no pushing or shoving, or verbal abuse either. Conflict resolution is a skill your children will use all their lives at home, school and work. Disagreements do not have to be disagreeable or leave long lasting scars. Sometimes it is necessary for parents to help children find solutions.

Children sometimes fight in order to get their parents’ attention. In minor cases these children should be told to settle the problem themselves. If a parent rushes into the fracas and offers to play judge, such squabbles will increase in frequency.

“ I tell them to solve the problem themselves,” says Sharon McCoy, mother of three. “I think they need to learn how to settle their differences. If they can’t come to some sort of agreement or if the problem escalates I send them to their rooms to lie down for half an hour because they are obviously too tired. They hate that, so they usually manage to come up with a solution.”

Though some parents believe in letting kids battle it out on their own there definitely is a point where intervention is necessary. One mother of three rowdy sons all under the age of 8 used to make her children go outside if they were going to fight so she wouldn’t have to see or hear it. “The worst that can happen is a broken arm,” she explained, “and that is cheaper to fix than my sanity.” Maybe so, but some scars are more lasting. Some adults have never gotten over being repeatedly bullied by siblings.

The first weapon in our parental intervention arsenal is separation. Removing combatants to separate corners or rooms gives them a chance to calm down and cool off. Separation is also a fine way to avoid battles. If you have a new baby, it’s a great idea to stake out a corner of the family room for older siblings. Playpens, boxes, chairs, tents or tables can be used to create a no-baby zone. At baby feeding times when you know you will not be able to provide much attention to the older offspring, pull out a special box of toys that are to be played with only at busy baby times.

As kids get older it becomes obvious that what they really want the most of is your attention. Teens and tweens will still squabble over the albino bat toy, (Yes!), but the most common topic of dissension becomes whose turn is it to talk.

Planned one-on-one outings are great, but they are difficult to pull off regularly. Daily doses of attention and affection are more effective in the long run. Take time each day to hug or pat each child no matter how big they get. Take time each day to have a pleasant five-minute conversation with each child, even the child that doesn’t talk much.

Squabbling is natural. It will slowly turn to good-natured ribbing as your children grow older. Let your children see that you love each and every one of them intensely. They will be less afraid and less angry. It also lets them know you are not going to put up with them hurting one another. If you as a parent can promote happiness and harmony in the home you will be giving them a wonderful gift.
Children have different interests and personalities. Try to find some subject or activity they can enjoy together and encourage it, even if it is laughing at bad pictures of you in your youth or really corny jokes.

After a talkative child has talked about his soccer game for 20 minutes be sure to ask the quieter child questions about a favorite project or friend. Playing maestro for the conversation is especially important if much younger children are involved.

Though conversation and negotiation are vital skills, there are times when silence is golden. At a certain anger level when bickering goes beyond boisterous into boiling rage it is time for all participants to disengage completely, even verbally. Usually parents recognize the sounds and signs of impending battle and step in before full-bore combat. Sometimes that matters not at all.

If fighting occurs in the car and separation won’t work try an enforced round of the quiet game. If tempers are at fever pitch do not, repeat, do not try to talk the problem out for a while. After sanity returns then you can resume negotiations. Try not to lose your own temper, but even if you do – no yelling. Forcing yourself to speak in a calm voice calms everyone. If the peace process is stymied by bad behavior break off negotiations until a later time.

Continued severe civil unrest within the confines of the car calls for punishment. Stop at the nearest trash can. Inform the miscreant(s) that their favorite possession is going into the trash can unless they stop the behavior that is driving all others mad. Dangle the toy if necessary. (I have never actually had to throw the toy away.) This method usually results in a flood of tears followed by much better behavior. Sometimes kids need a catharsis to get over their anger.

Hitting a child to teach them not to hit others is dumb. Once your child becomes accustomed to the toy-in-the-trashcan method you will no longer have to stop the car. Simply stating the question, “Do you want to lose a Barbie/Spiderman?” will be enough for an abrupt behavior about-face.

Thus peace ensues, hopefully. Once the anger is gone children are usually eager to forgive and forget. Help them change the subject after a few minutes. Don’t allow rehashings of yesterday’s battles. Soldier on and remember that you are a family. You are in this world together. Have some fun.