
ages & stages
Life Goes On ... a mom’s perspective
after divorce
By Lesli Terrell-Payne
Sep/Oct 2007
Birthdays ... I have always loved birthdays – my own, my
friends, and now those of my two boys. In fact, my friends have
always teased me that I have birthweek instead of a birthday. Kids’ birthday
parties are a job unto themselves as it seems we are constantly
challenged to come up with yet another new, fun, and exciting birthday
for our children-year after year. I have often joked to my girlfriends
who are new moms that once you get on the “party circuit,” it
becomes a competition to see who can have the coolest party. Henry,
my 5-year-old whose birthday is in November, has already informed
me (it is August as I write this) that he wants a Sponge-Bob, Power
Rangers, Justice League, Transformers, or Bionicals party (he told
me these on separate occasions). He has also told me where he’d
like to have it: Pump It Up, the bowling alley, Sandy Creek, or
the World of Wonder playground. Kids are really funny in their
own “planning” ideas for the party.

Now I actually like planning parties (grown-up ones as well as
those for the kids) but I was faced with a new facet of party planning
once my husband and I split last year. For one, I knew that relatives
from both of our families would want to come, which might be a
little awkward (mostly for him and me, not the kids) but I figured
that it was important to the children so we’d just have to
get over it. Of course, my family still loves my ex but the feelings
aren’t so mutual on his side. As I predicted, it was a bit
weird but I just tried to play with the kids and not let it get
to me. The second issue, believe it or not, was gifts – as
in TOO MANY! Our families have always been generous with our children – really
verging on spoiling them. I can’t say that I’m much
better but this past year in particular, it seemed that we all
went overboard with the gifts for Henry and Will’s birthdays.
It might have been sub-conscious of course – the fact that
we are divorced and somehow felt we were “making up” for
that by giving more gifts than either could possibly need or want
but alas, at the end of each party, there we were in a mound of
presents from family, friends, and us. The real challenge now became
dividing up the toys between Mommy and Daddy’s house – not
such a fun task. Surprisingly, Henry didn’t seem to care
one way or the other and ran off to play while Andy and I sorted
through the gifts determining which would live where. Andy shies
away from the “creative” stuff (like Play-Doh, coloring,
crafts, etc) so anything art-related went to my house. I, on the
other hand, am not so good with assembling things (like Dinosaur
Mountain or pirate ships that supposedly just snap together or
robots that turn into trucks) so all that stuff went to Andy’s
house. In the end, it actually ended up being sort of fun to go
through the toys and look forward to playing with things we liked
and not having to worry about doing things we admittedly weren’t
very good at!
When Henry turned 3, we “shared” his birthday with
a friend whose special day was just a week or so behind, thus sharing
the costs of a party as well. The mom suggested that in lieu of
gifts, we ask everyone to bring a new toy that would be donated
to Toys for Tots. I thought it was a great idea as she and I had
both lamented over the amount of toys our kids seemed to have accumulated
in our tiny houses. When I mentioned it to a friend of mine (whose
son was a few years older), she laughed and said “Well this
would be the last year to do that – after they turn 4, it’s
all about the presents!” While I definitely agree with that
now, I still believe that we can teach our children how to give
to others during a special time, like a birthday. Should we get
that many presents again this year, I will definitely encourage
Henry to choose a few to give to someone in need. After all, just
how many action figures does one child really need? The funny thing
is, despite all the cool gifts Henry gets, he loves the little
toys that come in Happy Meals or other kids’ meals just as
much, if not more!
Birthdays are wonderful especially when spent with family and friends.
Of course it isn’t about the presents or the goody bags or
the cake (though 25 screaming kids would say otherwise); it is
up to parents – married or divorced – to teach this
through example. Even though there were a couple of new parameters
for our parties this past year, overall each was a success despite
a few moments of awkwardness combined with an embarrassing amount
of toys. I know that in the future, there will be times when a
birthday (or other “big” event) brings our families
together once more. I hope that eventually we can all enjoy each
other the way we once did if for no other reason than to show our
children that despite divorce, the essence of family really never
goes away.
Lesli Terrell-Payne is mom to Henry and Will. She is currently
planning Henry’s 6th Birthday Extravaganza.
|