
Feature/General
Making Friends at School
By Amy Heesacker
Jul/Aug 2007
Before my children started school
I worried that both of them would have trouble making friends,
but for very different reasons. My son is initially shy, and he
may act silly or even angry to hide his insecurities. My daughter,
on the other hand, has never met a stranger. She quickly finds
new friends but then can become bossy and even aggressive with
them. Although my children have both been successful with friendships,
I've noticed that the help they need from me is as unique as they
are. My son needs a gentle push while I need to help my daughter
reign in her pushiness.
Successful relationships require many complex skills, but following
are ten suggestions to help get you started. The new school year
is an opportunity to get your child off on the right foot with
FRIENDSHIP.
Find out your child's interaction style:
Is shyness an issue? If so, consider encouraging your child to....
- order his meal at restaurants
- answer questions during pediatrician
visits
- say "Hello" to service people
- ask for assistance at the library,
bookstore, etc.
Is bossiness an issue? If so, consider encouraging your child
to...
- take a survey of family members to see what they want to see,
eat, do, etc.
- make suggestions rather than giving orders
- say "Please" and
"Thank you" to service people
- offer assistance to someone in need
Recruit your child's teacher to help you address problems. The
teacher may know of a potential friend and/or role model who
could work as a "buddy" during pair assignments, and/or this
peer could meet with your child and the school counselor over
lunch to practice socializing in a less threatening and supervised
environment.
Identify interest groups or sports teams that your child might
join. In addition to increasing self esteem, groups and teams provide
opportunities to meet children with shared interests.
Emotion regulation should be pointed out and praised. High five
your child for avoiding a meltdown or for working things out on
her own.
Negotiation is a challenging skill to learn. Help your child
identify his and other's needs/desires and see how a win win situation
feels better and works better in the long run.
Don't push or panic. All children are different with regard to
their comfort levels and skill levels in social situations. Listen
to your child and focus on her particular needs.
Show your child how it's done. Invite your own friends over and
model conversational turn taking. Discuss situations that were
difficult for you and describe how you overcame them.
Heat of the moment discussions are where some of the best learning
takes place! When you see your child feeling frustrated or withdrawn
ask them: What are you feeling right now? What do you think the
other child is feeling? How would you feel if that child behaved
the same way toward you? What is another way you could handle this?
Invite a classmate over for a short, supervised visit. Prepare
your child beforehand by deciding if any games/toys will be off
limits during the playdate and identifying specific activities
to structure the time. Be on hand to intervene as needed.
Practice by role playing past and future social situations. Younger
children can use puppets or dolls to act out scenarios (e.g., both
children want the same toy, joining in on a game) and older children
can generate and practice saying statements or comebacks (e.g.,
What could you say if someone puts you down? How do you start up
a conversation with a potential friend?).
Amy Heesacker holds a doctoral degree in Counseling and Developmental
Psychology. She is a part time assistant professor at the University
of Georgia and lives in Athens with her husband and their children,
Javi and Isa.
Suggested Reading
The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple
Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends by Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy
Moore
How to Be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends
and Keeping Them (Dino Life Guides for Families) by Laurie Krasny Brown (Author),
Marc Brown (Illustrator)
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