Athens Parent article - Making friends at school

A Resource for Athens Area Families

Feature/General
Making Friends at School
By Amy Heesacker
Jul/Aug 2007

Before my children started school I worried that both of them would have trouble making friends, but for very different reasons. My son is initially shy, and he may act silly or even angry to hide his insecurities. My daughter, on the other hand, has never met a stranger. She quickly finds new friends but then can become bossy and even aggressive with them. Although my children have both been successful with friendships, I've noticed that the help they need from me is as unique as they are. My son needs a gentle push while I need to help my daughter reign in her pushiness.

Successful relationships require many complex skills, but following are ten suggestions to help get you started. The new school year is an opportunity to get your child off on the right foot with FRIENDSHIP.

Find out your child's interaction style:
Is shyness an issue? If so, consider encouraging your child to....

order his meal at restaurants
answer questions during pediatrician visits
say "Hello" to service people
ask for assistance at the library, bookstore, etc.

Is bossiness an issue? If so, consider encouraging your child to...

take a survey of family members to see what they want to see, eat, do, etc.
make suggestions rather than giving orders
say "Please" and "Thank you" to service people
offer assistance to someone in need

Recruit your child's teacher to help you address problems. The teacher may know of a potential friend and/or role model who could work as a "buddy" during pair assignments, and/or this peer could meet with your child and the school counselor over lunch to practice socializing in a less threatening and supervised environment.

Identify interest groups or sports teams that your child might join. In addition to increasing self esteem, groups and teams provide opportunities to meet children with shared interests.

Emotion regulation should be pointed out and praised. High five your child for avoiding a meltdown or for working things out on her own.

Negotiation is a challenging skill to learn. Help your child identify his and other's needs/desires and see how a win win situation feels better and works better in the long run.

Don't push or panic. All children are different with regard to their comfort levels and skill levels in social situations. Listen to your child and focus on her particular needs.

Show your child how it's done. Invite your own friends over and model conversational turn taking. Discuss situations that were difficult for you and describe how you overcame them.

Heat of the moment discussions are where some of the best learning takes place! When you see your child feeling frustrated or withdrawn ask them: What are you feeling right now? What do you think the other child is feeling? How would you feel if that child behaved the same way toward you? What is another way you could handle this?

Invite a classmate over for a short, supervised visit. Prepare your child beforehand by deciding if any games/toys will be off limits during the playdate and identifying specific activities to structure the time. Be on hand to intervene as needed.

Practice by role playing past and future social situations. Younger children can use puppets or dolls to act out scenarios (e.g., both children want the same toy, joining in on a game) and older children can generate and practice saying statements or comebacks (e.g., What could you say if someone puts you down? How do you start up a conversation with a potential friend?).

Amy Heesacker holds a doctoral degree in Counseling and Developmental Psychology. She is a part time assistant professor at the University of Georgia and lives in Athens with her husband and their children, Javi and Isa.