Feature/General
Children Coping with Grief
By Laura Davenport, LPC
September/October 2004

If you ask people what age they were when they first experienced the death of someone close, their responses will most likely be: age 4, 8, or 15 - essentially before they reach adulthood. According to author Erin Linn in “150 Facts About Grieving Children”, “Death in a child’s life is inevitable. Almost every child will experience the death of a significant other, whether a pet, friend or relative. Most dramatically, about 1 out of 20 will experience the death of a parent by the age of 18.”

How do we prepare our youth and assist them with these inevitable loss experiences? This article will identify some common responses of children and teenagers to grief, however; it is important to remember that grief is a personal experience for each person. There isn’t a “normal” cycle or timeframe for dealing with grief; it can be intermittent, over many years. There are other factors in determining possible grief reactions, such as the nature of the death and relationship of the child to the deceased. In addition, some cultures and religions have different beliefs and perceptions about death and unique traditions or rituals. With respect to the majority of the youth population, the following information reflects some of the more common grief reactions and related needs of children and teenagers. These are outlined according to age and developmental levels.

Ages Newborn to 2
Infants and toddlers have no concept of death. They are likely to sense changes, such as in the emotions or absences of their caregivers, which often coincide with the loss. They may experience some separation anxiety, increased crying episodes, and/or an increase in their neediness in general. These very young children are most content in their world when their basic needs are met and their routine is undisturbed. Therefore, with this age group, the goal is to maintain routines such as feeding and sleeping schedules, exposure to their primary caregiver, holding the child and providing extra comforting and nurturance.

Ages 2-5
Children at this age have an increased sense of loss, but like their younger counterparts, can’t comprehend the concept of death. Their perception is the person is gone only temporarily and will return. Simple and empathetic statements to the child that their loved one will not return to counter this magical thinking are sometimes necessary.

Children have difficulty verbally articulating their thoughts, feelings and reactions to life, which are generally reflected in their behavior versus their words. At this stage, regressive behaviors, such as increased clinginess, changes in eliminating patterns and thumb sucking may be evident in their response to crisis within their environment. If they are angry in response to the loss (particularly in the loss of a parent), the child may exhibit aggressive behavior or withdrawal from others.

Ages 6-10
Most school age children gradually begin to understand the irreversibility of death--that their loved one will not return. They often have a more violent perception of death, which at times may even seem gruesome. They are more interested in the biological or physical entities of death, such as what happens to the body of the deceased and will seek information about the how and why of death.
They may conceal the loss from their peers or seem to be unaffected. Although, be cautious about underestimating the minimal grief reaction of the child as they may be internalizing their thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they fear embarrassment if they reveal them. Some children have misperceptions about the cause of death, possibly believing that something they said, thought, felt or wished contributed to the death. In this case, the child is most likely internalizing feelings of guilt or shame. It’s important to make sure the child knows that it’s not their fault.

Adolescence
During this stage of development, kids have a more realistic understanding of death, as they are able to think more abstractly. Initially they may believe that death won’t happen to them; however they gradually understand that death is universal and begin realizing their own mortality. Similar to the previous age group, they are likely to conceal the loss and their emotions from others.

During adolescence, kids are beginning to strive for more independence and begin to align more with their peers and less with their immediate family members. When a death is experienced, they may appear to be ambivalent due to this internal struggle of dependency versus independence. They may also appear to be resentful as their pursuit of independence is interrupted by family events surrounding the loss. Many adolescents describe an inability to cry as they experience sad events, as to cry may evoke feeling helpless and regressed. They may suppress emotions and delay grief until a later age in life. In addition, some adolescents engage in acting out behaviors in response to their experience during a crisis.

Late Teens
There is sometimes overlap of adolescent issues during the late teens. These young adults usually have a mature understanding of death. They are beginning to think about death with more of a philosophical and spiritual perspective. They are able to express their emotions more freely than the younger children and sometimes experience their emotions more intensely. They may worry about other family members and need assurance that the family can endure the loss. Teenagers sometimes want to be of assistance to their parents during this time and may want to help with household responsibilities, care taking of younger siblings or other extended family or perhaps with planning the memorial service.

How to Help
Some suggestions for adults and parents who are assisting a child with grief:

1. Children need information that is clear, simple and understandable to them. Avoid giving more information than their question implied. Be truthful; it is best to say, “I don’t know” versus making up responses. Avoid euphemisms for death, such as describing that the deceased is sleeping, which may lead to your child being afraid to go to sleep.

2. Let children tell you what they are feeling as you provide opportunities to share their experience. Playing and art activities can help facilitate their expression. Adults are encouraged to share their own grief reactions with the child. Children need to know that their feelings of grief and loss are normal. Since one of the primary tasks of parenthood is to help children cope with life, parents and children will mutually experience some resolution and relief by addressing the loss together with the implicit message ”as a family we can cope with this”.

3. Most children need to feel involved and important. Invite them to take part in the planning of and attendance at the funeral or memorial service. If they do not wish to attend the service, allow them this choice. Perhaps the family can have a private ceremony later, such as a “Day of Remembrance”. Include pictures as you talk about memories of your loved one. They need to say goodbye in their own way.

4. It is natural for daily routines to be disrupted when a loss occurs, however re-establish routines shortly thereafter. All children need consistency in routine and to maintain their normal activities. In most cases, it is best for the child to remain in their own home environment versus transferring care to a relative’s home temporarily.

5. Notify teachers and administrative staff, who need to be aware of the loss and can monitor the child’s status at school. Children may have difficulty concentrating and academic difficulties may arise. They spend long hours at school and the classroom can sometimes be a lonely place for a child; who may initially need the security and comfort of being with family.

6. Utilize resources, such as extended family, friends, churches and clergy. Professional counselors, school counselors, social workers at local hospitals and Hospice organizations will have information about grief and other resources. Participate in counseling services for yourself and/or the children if needed, such as if the loss is of an immediate family member or grief is prolonged or increasing in intensity.

7. Read children age appropriate books about grief. Parents also can read books about helping children with grief. Consult hospice organizations or libraries for book lists.

In Conclusion
Joni Mitchell said, “Sorrow is so easy to express but difficult to tell.” This is especially the case for children. Children are often the “forgotten mourners” in the midst of all that is happening when death occurs. Adults have their own emotions and reactions to reconcile, however they have to delve deeper to find the reserve to assist their young ones in their grief process as well. It is a challenging time for families however, family members have things to teach each other – and children can reciprocate the support and lessons about grief.

Laura Davenport is a Licensed Professional Counselor and has a private practice in Watkinsville