
Feature/General
Children Coping with Grief
By Laura Davenport, LPC
September/October 2004
If you ask people what age they
were when they first experienced the death of someone close, their
responses will most likely be:
age 4, 8, or 15 - essentially before they reach adulthood. According
to author Erin Linn in “150 Facts About Grieving Children”, “Death
in a child’s life is inevitable. Almost every child
will experience the death of a significant other, whether a pet,
friend or relative. Most dramatically, about 1 out of 20 will experience
the death of a parent by the age of 18.”
How do we prepare our youth and assist them with these inevitable
loss experiences? This article will identify some common responses
of children and teenagers to grief, however; it is important to
remember that grief is a personal experience for each person. There
isn’t a “normal” cycle or timeframe for dealing
with grief; it can be intermittent, over many years. There are
other factors in determining possible grief reactions, such as
the nature of the death and relationship of the child to the deceased.
In addition, some cultures and religions have different beliefs
and perceptions about death and unique traditions or rituals. With
respect to the majority of the youth population, the following
information reflects some of the more common grief reactions and
related needs of children and teenagers. These are outlined according
to age and developmental levels.
Ages Newborn to 2
Infants and toddlers have no concept of death. They are likely
to sense changes, such as in the emotions or absences of their
caregivers, which often coincide with the loss. They may experience
some separation anxiety, increased crying episodes, and/or an increase
in their neediness in general. These very young children are most
content in their world when their basic needs are met and their
routine is undisturbed. Therefore, with this age group, the goal
is to maintain routines such as feeding and sleeping schedules,
exposure to their primary caregiver, holding the child and providing
extra comforting and nurturance.
Ages 2-5
Children at this age have an increased sense of loss, but like
their younger counterparts, can’t comprehend the concept
of death. Their perception is the person is gone only temporarily
and will return. Simple and empathetic statements to the child
that their loved one will not return to counter this magical thinking
are sometimes necessary.
Children have difficulty verbally articulating their
thoughts, feelings and reactions to life, which are generally reflected
in
their behavior versus their words. At this stage, regressive behaviors,
such as increased clinginess, changes in eliminating patterns and
thumb sucking may be evident in their response to crisis within
their environment. If they are angry in response to the loss (particularly
in the loss of a parent), the child may exhibit aggressive behavior
or withdrawal from others.
Ages 6-10
Most school age children gradually begin to understand the irreversibility
of death--that their loved one will not return. They often have
a more violent perception of death, which at times may even seem
gruesome. They are more interested in the biological or physical
entities of death, such as what happens to the body of the deceased
and will seek information about the how and why of death.
They may conceal the loss from their peers or seem to be unaffected.
Although, be cautious about underestimating the minimal grief reaction
of the child as they may be internalizing their thoughts and feelings.
Sometimes they fear embarrassment if they reveal them. Some children
have misperceptions about the cause of death, possibly believing
that something they said, thought, felt or wished contributed to
the death. In this case, the child is most likely internalizing
feelings of guilt or shame. It’s important to make sure the
child knows that it’s not their fault.
Adolescence
During this stage of development, kids have a more realistic understanding
of death, as they are able to think more abstractly. Initially
they may believe that death won’t happen to them; however
they gradually understand that death is universal and begin realizing
their own mortality. Similar to the previous age group, they are
likely to conceal the loss and their emotions from others.
During adolescence, kids are beginning to strive
for more independence and begin to align more with their peers
and less with their
immediate family members. When a death is experienced, they
may appear to
be ambivalent due to this internal struggle of dependency versus
independence. They may also appear to be resentful as their pursuit
of independence is interrupted by family events surrounding the
loss. Many adolescents describe an inability to cry as they experience
sad events, as to cry may evoke feeling helpless and regressed.
They may suppress emotions and delay grief until a later age
in life. In addition, some adolescents engage in acting out
behaviors
in response to their experience during a crisis.
Late Teens
There is sometimes overlap of adolescent issues during the late
teens. These young adults usually have a mature understanding
of death. They are beginning to think about death with more
of a philosophical
and spiritual perspective. They are able to express their emotions
more freely than the younger children and sometimes experience
their emotions more intensely. They may worry about other family
members and need assurance that the family can endure the loss.
Teenagers sometimes want to be of assistance to their parents
during this time and may want to help with household responsibilities,
care taking of younger siblings or other extended family or
perhaps with planning the memorial service.
How to Help
Some suggestions for adults and parents who are assisting a child
with grief:
1. Children need information that is clear, simple and understandable
to them. Avoid giving more information than their question implied.
Be truthful; it is best to say, “I don’t know” versus
making up responses. Avoid euphemisms for death, such as describing
that the deceased is sleeping, which may lead to your child being
afraid to go to sleep.
2. Let children tell you what they are feeling as you provide
opportunities to share their experience. Playing and art activities
can help facilitate their expression. Adults are encouraged to
share their own grief reactions with the child. Children need
to know that their feelings of grief and loss are normal. Since
one of the primary tasks of parenthood is to help children cope
with life, parents and children will mutually experience some
resolution and relief by addressing the loss together with the
implicit message ”as a family we can cope with this”.
Camp Nokose, an annual children and teen’s
bereavement camp sponsored by St. Mary’s Health Foundation
and organized by St. Mary’s Hospice is another great
resource, which is available in the Athens area. This is
a day long camp for young people who have experienced the
death of a close loved one. This year it will be held on
September 25th. Contact St. Mary’s Hospice for more
details at (706) 355-7711.
The word “Nokose,” of Native American origin,
was chosen for the camp because of its meaning of “medicine
bear or spirit bear.” It is a perfect symbol for the
camp and for grief as the bear represents self-knowledge
and getting in touch with your own spirit. In Native American
culture, the bear represents introspection, healing, solitude,
change and strength in the face of adversity. Their hibernation
allows for a period of transition as they digest the year’s
experience and rejuvenate in preparation for the spring’s
new harvest. The metaphor of the bear’s hibernation
is a metaphor for grief in that there is a need for introspection
to absorb the loss. |
3. Most children need to feel involved and important. Invite them
to take part in the planning of and attendance at the funeral or
memorial service. If they do not wish to attend the service, allow
them this choice. Perhaps the family can have a private ceremony
later, such as a “Day of Remembrance”. Include pictures
as you talk about memories of your loved one. They need to say
goodbye in their own way.
4. It is natural for daily routines to be disrupted when a loss
occurs, however re-establish routines shortly thereafter. All children
need consistency in routine and to maintain their normal activities.
In most cases, it is best for the child to remain in their own
home environment versus transferring care to a relative’s
home temporarily.
5. Notify teachers and administrative staff, who need to be aware
of the loss and can monitor the child’s status at school.
Children may have difficulty concentrating and academic difficulties
may arise. They spend long hours at school and the classroom can
sometimes be a lonely place for a child; who may initially need
the security and comfort of being with family.
6. Utilize resources, such as extended family, friends, churches
and clergy. Professional counselors, school counselors, social
workers at local hospitals and Hospice organizations will have
information about grief and other resources. Participate in counseling
services for yourself and/or the children if needed, such as if
the loss is of an immediate family member or grief is prolonged
or increasing in intensity.
7. Read children age appropriate books about grief. Parents also
can read books about helping children with grief. Consult hospice
organizations or libraries for book lists.
In Conclusion
Joni Mitchell said, “Sorrow is so easy to express but difficult
to tell.” This is especially the case for children. Children
are often the “forgotten mourners” in the midst of
all that is happening when death occurs. Adults have their own
emotions and reactions to reconcile, however they have to delve
deeper to find the reserve to assist their young ones in their
grief process as well. It is a challenging time for families however,
family members have things to teach each other – and children
can reciprocate the support and lessons about grief.
Laura Davenport is a Licensed Professional Counselor and has a
private practice in Watkinsville
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