
Feature/General
A Mother's Empty Arms
By Tammy Wilson
Holiday 2002
"If my story encourages
only one other person, it will be worth it just knowing I could
help
someone
else. How
selfish it would be for us to know someone was hurting and we held
the words to uplift them, yet turned away."
This story is for all mothers who
have lost a baby or may be going through a difficult time in their
pregnancy. We are surrounded by women who have also suffered the
pain of a complicated pregnancy or maybe even a loss, and its
encouraging to know how they still held on to their happiness. This
should give others hope and peace of mind because no matter what
the circumstance or how impossible it seems; your joy can be restored
to you.
I must express how very hard it is for me to come out and share
my own personal experience, but I feel God is leading me in this
direction and I must follow his path. Even if my story only encourages
one other person, it will be worth it just knowing I could help
someone else. How selfish it would be for us to know someone was
hurting and we held the words to uplift them, yet turned away. No
one is perfect and even though something tragic happens to us does
not mean we can shut out life and everyone else around.
I miscarried my fist baby at eight weeks of pregnancy and have
now lost my second baby at five months into my pregnancy. My first
loss was devastating, but my recent loss left me with a pain Ive
never experienced before. Its hard to receive complete comfort
from someone who has never experienced a loss this far along in
pregnancy. The pain is so much harder because you have now formed
a relationship with your baby by feeling him move, listening to
his heartbeat and watching him move on an ultrasound. I never found
someone to talk with that had went through something like that,
but I knew deep inside I was not alone.
Losing Baby Isaac left me with tremendous pain and a sense of worthlessness.
I felt I had let my family down because they were so excited for
us, but the worst feeling was losing what my husband longed so much
for his baby boy. My days afterward were filled with anxiety,
depression and the fear I would never become a mother. This life-changing
experience tormented my mind everyday and my body became weak with
all the changes. At the time I could not comprehend how I would
ever make it through the tragedy, but prayers were going up for
me and that made all the difference. Without God giving me strength
each day and blessing me with a caring and praying husband, Im
not sure where Id be today.
The day we found out something was wrong with our baby was just
like a bad dream, but we realized we were awake and had to face
the truth. We sat in Dr. Rosemonds office after an ultrasound
and waited to hear what was wrong with our baby. We had no idea
what to expect at that moment because up until then our baby seemed
to be perfectly healthy. Its amazing how many things can run
through your mind in just a short while. He explained our baby had
a condition called Posterior Urethral Valve Obstruction. The words
were like a foreign language to us because we had never heard of
this before. Dr. Rosemond explained that our baby was not able to
release his urine properly because of a tissue blockage. This could
seriously damage his kidneys, and if they were not already damaged
he would need surgery as soon as possible. All we knew to do was
pray and have faith that the test results would be normal.
Over the next two weeks, I went to doctor appointments for ultrasounds
and amniocentesis. The test of our babys bladder came back
with both positive and negative results. They then decided to send
us to St. Josephs Womens Hospital in Tampa, Fla., where
we would visit Dr. Quintero. This was the nearest doctor that could
possibly perform this surgery if our baby was a candidate. When
we arrived at the hospital he performed an extensive ultrasound
and examined the kidneys and the blockage thickness. I was so nervous
during this exam as I looked at him waiting for some small expression
of hope, but I never received one. It was too late to save our little
boy because one of his kidneys had ruptured and the other was too
small. I felt as though my heart would pound out of my chest and
I suddenly could not breathe.
When a mother loses a baby during pregnancy, she suffers through
so many different emotions. She feels unhealthy and blames herself
for what has happened, even through she tries to do everything just
right during pregnancy-eat the right foods, exercise, take vitamins,
stay up to date on literature about pregnancy and delivery, go to
all the scheduled doctor appointments, and make sure not to do anything
strenuous. As for me, I had done all this and more, but it still
did not save my precious baby. In most cases a loss is never the
mothers fault, and somehow we must allow ourselves to accept
that or we may never find peace of mind.
We did everything humanly possibly to save our baby, but soon came
to understand it was not Gods will for us. Its hard
to accept something like that, but through prayer we realize God
knows whats best for us and his timing is always perfect.
I do hope to someday become a mother and have the chance to enjoy
nine months of a healthy pregnancy as so many others have. A healthy
newborn baby is truly a gift from God and it really hurts to know
that so many are abandoned or taken for granted. I understand that
everyones lifestyle is different and having a baby may be
a burden to some women, but I only wish they would realize just
how blessed they are.
Sometimes we experience things that we cannot understand, but we
still have to go through them and continue with our lives. We heal
slowly over time and even though we are left with scars, God still
gives us strength to carry on. Yes, that scar will always be there
to remind you of the pain, but have joy in knowing how you have
grown into a stronger individual overall. We now have a way to reach
out and help others that may need the same encouragement we once
needed.
Im sure I would not be alone in admitting that we tend to
think this in our minds when we hear of others circumstances,
that could never happen to me. Well, I never imagined
as a teenager or as I moved on into marriage that something like
this could ever happen to me. We paint a beautiful picture in our
mind of a perfect life, and I sometimes believe thats why
reality strikes so hard. Ive always been told, you have
to live and learn, but most importantly, Ive found out
we must mature before we can understand just how bad things CAN
happen to good people. No, we may never fully understand how good
things can happen to those who are so ungrateful and undeserving,
but maybe its Gods way of teaching us how to appreciate
life more. We can learn a lot from our own trials if we only stop
and take the time to look at the whole picture. In my personal life,
Ive found out that so many others are in need of encouragement,
even if their situation is different. It has also been a time to
re-examine my life and by doing so, Ive found out just who
my true friends are. A kind word, a phone call or a card in the
mail can do wonders for someone who feels they are facing a battle
alone.
I would like to end this by giving thanks to friends and family
members who will always hold a special place in my heart. We would
have never make it through without the loving prayers and support
of Pastor Hammond and Bishop Hammond of New Life Church in Watkinsville
and our church family. A special thanks to our dear parents who
were always there for us and helped us get through each day. To
my sister and brother-in-law who comforted us both. To Dr. K. Shah
and staff for all your kind help and tremendous support. Thanks
to Dr. Rosemond for all your time and wise council during every
visit. Sincere thanks to the ARMC labor and delivery nurses who
have done everything possible to make my stay as quiet and easy
for me as they could. I also appreciate the kindness you have shown
to my family during my stay. Thanks also to my co-workers, which
stood by me during my absence. Most importantly I thank my husband
who never left my side and gave so much love when he, too, was dealing
with the pain of losing his son. I feel so honored to have a husband
that has always been able to lift my spirit and bring a smile to
my face. I know we will be able to face whatever comes our way in
life because we have each other and we have allowed God to direct
our every path. To my precious Baby Isaac, you will remain forever
in my heart we love you!
See Five Updates for the update on Tammy's story
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