Feature/General
A Mother's Empty Arms
By Tammy Wilson
Holiday 2002

"If my story encourages only one other person, it will be worth it just knowing I could help someone else. How selfish it would be for us to know someone was hurting and we held the words to uplift them, yet turned away."

This story is for all mothers who have lost a baby or may be going through a difficult time in their pregnancy. We are surrounded by women who have also suffered the pain of a complicated pregnancy or maybe even a loss, and it’s encouraging to know how they still held on to their happiness. This should give others hope and peace of mind because no matter what the circumstance or how impossible it seems; your joy can be restored to you.

I must express how very hard it is for me to come out and share my own personal experience, but I feel God is leading me in this direction and I must follow his path. Even if my story only encourages one other person, it will be worth it just knowing I could help someone else. How selfish it would be for us to know someone was hurting and we held the words to uplift them, yet turned away. No one is perfect and even though something tragic happens to us does not mean we can shut out life and everyone else around.

I miscarried my fist baby at eight weeks of pregnancy and have now lost my second baby at five months into my pregnancy. My first loss was devastating, but my recent loss left me with a pain I’ve never experienced before. It’s hard to receive complete comfort from someone who has never experienced a loss this far along in pregnancy. The pain is so much harder because you have now formed a relationship with your baby by feeling him move, listening to his heartbeat and watching him move on an ultrasound. I never found someone to talk with that had went through something like that, but I knew deep inside I was not alone.

Losing Baby Isaac left me with tremendous pain and a sense of worthlessness. I felt I had let my family down because they were so excited for us, but the worst feeling was losing what my husband longed so much for – his baby boy. My days afterward were filled with anxiety, depression and the fear I would never become a mother. This life-changing experience tormented my mind everyday and my body became weak with all the changes. At the time I could not comprehend how I would ever make it through the tragedy, but prayers were going up for me and that made all the difference. Without God giving me strength each day and blessing me with a caring and praying husband, I’m not sure where I’d be today.

The day we found out something was wrong with our baby was just like a bad dream, but we realized we were awake and had to face the truth. We sat in Dr. Rosemond’s office after an ultrasound and waited to hear what was wrong with our baby. We had no idea what to expect at that moment because up until then our baby seemed to be perfectly healthy. It’s amazing how many things can run through your mind in just a short while. He explained our baby had a condition called Posterior Urethral Valve Obstruction. The words were like a foreign language to us because we had never heard of this before. Dr. Rosemond explained that our baby was not able to release his urine properly because of a tissue blockage. This could seriously damage his kidneys, and if they were not already damaged he would need surgery as soon as possible. All we knew to do was pray and have faith that the test results would be normal.

Over the next two weeks, I went to doctor appointments for ultrasounds and amniocentesis. The test of our baby’s bladder came back with both positive and negative results. They then decided to send us to St. Joseph’s Women’s Hospital in Tampa, Fla., where we would visit Dr. Quintero. This was the nearest doctor that could possibly perform this surgery if our baby was a candidate. When we arrived at the hospital he performed an extensive ultrasound and examined the kidneys and the blockage thickness. I was so nervous during this exam as I looked at him waiting for some small expression of hope, but I never received one. It was too late to save our little boy because one of his kidneys had ruptured and the other was too small. I felt as though my heart would pound out of my chest and I suddenly could not breathe.

When a mother loses a baby during pregnancy, she suffers through so many different emotions. She feels unhealthy and blames herself for what has happened, even through she tries to do everything just right during pregnancy-eat the right foods, exercise, take vitamins, stay up to date on literature about pregnancy and delivery, go to all the scheduled doctor appointments, and make sure not to do anything strenuous. As for me, I had done all this and more, but it still did not save my precious baby. In most cases a loss is never the mother’s fault, and somehow we must allow ourselves to accept that or we may never find peace of mind.

We did everything humanly possibly to save our baby, but soon came to understand it was not God’s will for us. It’s hard to accept something like that, but through prayer we realize God knows what’s best for us and his timing is always perfect. I do hope to someday become a mother and have the chance to enjoy nine months of a healthy pregnancy as so many others have. A healthy newborn baby is truly a gift from God and it really hurts to know that so many are abandoned or taken for granted. I understand that everyone’s lifestyle is different and having a baby may be a burden to some women, but I only wish they would realize just how blessed they are.

Sometimes we experience things that we cannot understand, but we still have to go through them and continue with our lives. We heal slowly over time and even though we are left with scars, God still gives us strength to carry on. Yes, that scar will always be there to remind you of the pain, but have joy in knowing how you have grown into a stronger individual overall. We now have a way to reach out and help others that may need the same encouragement we once needed.

I’m sure I would not be alone in admitting that we tend to think this in our minds when we hear of others’ circumstances, “that could never happen to me.” Well, I never imagined as a teenager or as I moved on into marriage that something like this could ever happen to me. We paint a beautiful picture in our mind of a perfect life, and I sometimes believe that’s why reality strikes so hard. I’ve always been told, “you have to live and learn,” but most importantly, I’ve found out we must mature before we can understand just how bad things CAN happen to good people. No, we may never fully understand how good things can happen to those who are so ungrateful and undeserving, but maybe it’s God’s way of teaching us how to appreciate life more. We can learn a lot from our own trials if we only stop and take the time to look at the whole picture. In my personal life, I’ve found out that so many others are in need of encouragement, even if their situation is different. It has also been a time to re-examine my life and by doing so, I’ve found out just who my true friends are. A kind word, a phone call or a card in the mail can do wonders for someone who feels they are facing a battle alone.

I would like to end this by giving thanks to friends and family members who will always hold a special place in my heart. We would have never make it through without the loving prayers and support of Pastor Hammond and Bishop Hammond of New Life Church in Watkinsville and our church family. A special thanks to our dear parents who were always there for us and helped us get through each day. To my sister and brother-in-law who comforted us both. To Dr. K. Shah and staff for all your kind help and tremendous support. Thanks to Dr. Rosemond for all your time and wise council during every visit. Sincere thanks to the ARMC labor and delivery nurses who have done everything possible to make my stay as quiet and easy for me as they could. I also appreciate the kindness you have shown to my family during my stay. Thanks also to my co-workers, which stood by me during my absence. Most importantly I thank my husband who never left my side and gave so much love when he, too, was dealing with the pain of losing his son. I feel so honored to have a husband that has always been able to lift my spirit and bring a smile to my face. I know we will be able to face whatever comes our way in life because we have each other and we have allowed God to direct our every path. To my precious Baby Isaac, you will remain forever in my heart – we love you!

See Five Updates for the update on Tammy's story