Feature/General
Boy Crazy: Dating Dos & Don'ts for Parents
By Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese
Sept/Oct 2006

Are you dog tired of saying NO to your tween? No, you can't go to the mall to hang out.

No, you can't go out on a school night.

No, you can't go out dressed like that!

No, you can't go to that co-ed sleep over!

No, you cannot date!

Before you put your dating rules for your tween into effect, prepare yourself with some dating dos and don'ts designed for you.

• Do giggle and gush along with your tween over her first crush.
  She may show you a pop star from a magazine or a snapshot of a classmate from the middle school yearbook. You can tell that she's smitten. Tweens need permission to be romantic, your permission. So smile, laugh, and say, "He is cute."
• Don't assume group dating is safe.
  You may say no to dating one on one for your 12 year old, but agree to let her go out in a group. A pair can isolate themselves from the group in a dark movie theatre. You cannot trust the group to supervise your child.
• Do be sensitive to your tweenager's romantic timetable.
  Some 11 year olds get boy girl party invitations and want to go. Others aren't ready for that.
• Don't ever push your child to get into the popular crowd's schedule. Watch for his and her social readiness. Respect it.
• Do wait up when your tween goes out.
  Be there to make sure your child had a safe outing. A hug and kiss good night should also serve as a safety measure to be sure there is not alcohol on his breath, no slurred words in his good night. Pay close attention if your tween wants to attend too many sleepovers. They may be using sleepovers to avoid parental supervision.
• Don't snoop to find out about your tween's love life.
  Yes, it is your responsibility to know how far your 14 year old may be going (both emotionally and physically). However, violating privacy by reading diaries or on line blogs will build a wall, not a bridge of trust. Without trust you cannot effectively guide your tween through the risks and revelry of adolescence and romance.
• Don't plan just one talk.
  The landscape of sexuality is totally different for this generation. They have new definitions and new worries. They also have you to help them navigate this new climate. Plan on lots of talks.
• Do keep your ear to the rumor mill.
  Who is boyfriend stealing? Who got jilted? Who went too far? Who wound up in the emergency room getting her stomach pumped? The gossip may come from your child or from other parents. You don't have to believe it or spread it, but gossip provides a window of opportunity to explore other tween's or teen's decisions. Ask your child, "What do you think about...?"
• Do pay attention to your son's social life.
  Studies show that girls get most of the relationship talks, but it takes two to tango. Boys need just as much instruction and guidance on courtship and companionship as girls. Furthermore, there are certain issues, such as respect and consent, that need your emphasis and clarity.
• Don't let your tween's social life become the control issue in your relationship.
  Often a single issue comes between a parent and a tween. It's normal for young adolescents to want to socialize, but going out, hanging out, and hooking up can turn parents into the short tempered dating police. Often as tweens get older and push boundaries more, parents get nastier.
• Don't let your tween's romantic goals become the source of contention.
• Do examine your own romantic assets and liabilities.
  Tweens watch the adults in their lives like hawks. Meaning your love life (marriage, divorce, second marriage, dating) is all up for interpretation. They learn what they witness. So how you argue with your spouse, how you express your love, how you treat and are treated by a loved one are the love lessons your tween absorbs. Rest assured no parent is a perfect role model but, we can honestly acknowledge our mistakes and do better.

Excerpt from Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese's book, BOY CRAZY: Keeping Your Daughter's Feet on the Ground When Her Head is in the Clouds (Broadway) www.randomhouse.com.