
Dad's Chair
Feeling Good
By Dan Giles
Jan/Feb 2002
As
we left the restaurant, my youngest, Ben, slipped on some wet concrete
and landed hard on his elbow. He, of course, started screaming for
his mother, running around people like a Saturday afternoon halfback
until he found her. She picked him up in her arms holding him tight
and told him he was all right in that soothing voice only mothers
have. Eventually, he stopped sobbing and allowed us to doctor his
arm. By the next morning, all was forgotten and he was looking for
new adventures.
We fathers have come to understand that when it comes to bumps,
bruises, cuts or sickness, a child wants his or her mother. Furthermore,
from a non-scientific survey of one - me - househusbands rate no
better. I take them to and from school, to the doctor, prepare meals
and help them with their homework. On occasion, I hold them tightly
in my arms when they get hurt, but if momma is home, forget dad.
It's little wonder I sometimes feel like the maid. If I worked a
full-time money-paying job, I'd feel like a paycheck that got to
cut the grass once in a while.
These thoughts are supported by studies conducted and published
in noted magazines like American Psychologist. Deconstructing the
Essential Father by Louis B. Silverstein and Carl F. Auerbach of
Yeshiva University, New York, NY, takes the position that not only
are fathers not necessary (except in a monetary role) they are harmful
to the development of children. Noted anthropologist Margaret Mead
once said that fathers are a biological necessity but a social accident.
Well my goodness, if this is the case, as long as we throw some
money their way, we men should be allowed to drink beer, watch the
ball game, scratch and cuss without having to worry about wives
or kids. After all, supposedly smart people have concluded that
marriage and family are arcane concepts, right? Sure.
Several months ago I found myself in the hospital for a week. Every
evening of that week I called home twice, sometimes three times
because Ben was inconsolable; daddy was in the hospital. I also
had to call in the morning before school so he would know everything
was all right. When I went back to work - I work on the weekends;
it's my therapy - I told a co-worker about my experiences while
in the hospital. Before I could tell him about Ben, he asked if
my kids cried because I was not at home. I replied yes they did,
and he remarked, "Made you feel good, didn't it?" Although
I felt sad for Ben's sake, yes, it did make me feel good.
Children run to mom for comfort, cuddling and nurturing. They look
to dad for security and safety. We are the guys who keep the lions
and bears out. We are also the guys who will play rough and tumble,
throwing them up in the air while mom says, "not too high."
We are considerably more than roughhouse playmates, too. In homes
where the children do not have a father or father figure studies
have shown that those children are more likely to:
drop out of school
spend time in jail
use drugs
commit suicide
get pregnant
suffer from some form of abuse
abuse alcohol
Dads teach children how to act in society, from a male point of
view. They teach boys how to be men and they teach their daughters
how men should treat them, and this is accomplished simply by being
dad.
When children grow up they watch and learn from their dads what
it means to be a male adult. Boys learn how to channel their masculinity
from one of violence to one of control and strength. They learn
from dad the proper way to treat women by watching how dad treats
mom.
Daughters learn that they are worthy of unconditional love because
dad loves her unconditionally. In addition, daughters learn the
difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior by watching
the way dad and mom interact. By the time she reaches adolescence
and boyfriends, she has self worth and will not be taken advantage
of by predatory teenagers.
Study after study, which Silverstein and Auerbach chose to disregard,
demonstrate conclusively that families without fathers or a father
figure suffered both emotionally and physically. Furthermore, these
conclusions cross economic and racial lines; that is, children considered
to be at-risk who have a father in their lives do better than wealthier
children who do not.
Dad's role is clear. We are necessary and we are much more than
a paycheck. Moreover, those who would have us think that we are
merely a drain on resources, like Silverstein and Auerbach, are
not giving us the credit we deserve.
Children run to their mother because she provides comfort. She
takes them to the doctor because she would not have it any other
way and the same is true when it comes to buying clothes - it is
what mothers do. Let something go bump in the night however, and
all eyes turn to daddy.
In my house, at bedtime, my wife tucks our two boys in and makes
sure they are warm and comfortable. They do not want me to do it,
just mom. My job comes next. I am the guy who chases the scaries
away. I go through all sorts of physical gyrations, making the appropriate
noises required to ensure that the scaries cannot get in. I then
kiss them on their forehead and they thank me for the good job I
did. They never ask mom to do this, just me. And yes, it makes me
feel good.
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