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Dad's Chair
Feeling Good
By Dan Giles
Jan/Feb 2002

Dad's Chair imageAs we left the restaurant, my youngest, Ben, slipped on some wet concrete and landed hard on his elbow. He, of course, started screaming for his mother, running around people like a Saturday afternoon halfback until he found her. She picked him up in her arms holding him tight and told him he was all right in that soothing voice only mothers have. Eventually, he stopped sobbing and allowed us to doctor his arm. By the next morning, all was forgotten and he was looking for new adventures.

We fathers have come to understand that when it comes to bumps, bruises, cuts or sickness, a child wants his or her mother. Furthermore, from a non-scientific survey of one - me - househusbands rate no better. I take them to and from school, to the doctor, prepare meals and help them with their homework. On occasion, I hold them tightly in my arms when they get hurt, but if momma is home, forget dad. It's little wonder I sometimes feel like the maid. If I worked a full-time money-paying job, I'd feel like a paycheck that got to cut the grass once in a while.

These thoughts are supported by studies conducted and published in noted magazines like American Psychologist. Deconstructing the Essential Father by Louis B. Silverstein and Carl F. Auerbach of Yeshiva University, New York, NY, takes the position that not only are fathers not necessary (except in a monetary role) they are harmful to the development of children. Noted anthropologist Margaret Mead once said that fathers are a biological necessity but a social accident. Well my goodness, if this is the case, as long as we throw some money their way, we men should be allowed to drink beer, watch the ball game, scratch and cuss without having to worry about wives or kids. After all, supposedly smart people have concluded that marriage and family are arcane concepts, right? Sure.

Several months ago I found myself in the hospital for a week. Every evening of that week I called home twice, sometimes three times because Ben was inconsolable; daddy was in the hospital. I also had to call in the morning before school so he would know everything was all right. When I went back to work - I work on the weekends; it's my therapy - I told a co-worker about my experiences while in the hospital. Before I could tell him about Ben, he asked if my kids cried because I was not at home. I replied yes they did, and he remarked, "Made you feel good, didn't it?" Although I felt sad for Ben's sake, yes, it did make me feel good.

Children run to mom for comfort, cuddling and nurturing. They look to dad for security and safety. We are the guys who keep the lions and bears out. We are also the guys who will play rough and tumble, throwing them up in the air while mom says, "not too high."

We are considerably more than roughhouse playmates, too. In homes where the children do not have a father or father figure studies have shown that those children are more likely to:

  •  drop out of school
  •  spend time in jail
  •  use drugs
  •  commit suicide
  •  get pregnant
  •  suffer from some form of abuse
  •  abuse alcohol

Dads teach children how to act in society, from a male point of view. They teach boys how to be men and they teach their daughters how men should treat them, and this is accomplished simply by being dad.

When children grow up they watch and learn from their dads what it means to be a male adult. Boys learn how to channel their masculinity from one of violence to one of control and strength. They learn from dad the proper way to treat women by watching how dad treats mom.

Daughters learn that they are worthy of unconditional love because dad loves her unconditionally. In addition, daughters learn the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior by watching the way dad and mom interact. By the time she reaches adolescence and boyfriends, she has self worth and will not be taken advantage of by predatory teenagers.

Study after study, which Silverstein and Auerbach chose to disregard, demonstrate conclusively that families without fathers or a father figure suffered both emotionally and physically. Furthermore, these conclusions cross economic and racial lines; that is, children considered to be at-risk who have a father in their lives do better than wealthier children who do not.

Dad's role is clear. We are necessary and we are much more than a paycheck. Moreover, those who would have us think that we are merely a drain on resources, like Silverstein and Auerbach, are not giving us the credit we deserve.

Children run to their mother because she provides comfort. She takes them to the doctor because she would not have it any other way and the same is true when it comes to buying clothes - it is what mothers do. Let something go bump in the night however, and all eyes turn to daddy.

In my house, at bedtime, my wife tucks our two boys in and makes sure they are warm and comfortable. They do not want me to do it, just mom. My job comes next. I am the guy who chases the scaries away. I go through all sorts of physical gyrations, making the appropriate noises required to ensure that the scaries cannot get in. I then kiss them on their forehead and they thank me for the good job I did. They never ask mom to do this, just me. And yes, it makes me feel good.


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