
Dad's Chair
Do's and Don'ts for Dads in the Birthing Room
By Dan Giles
June/July 2003
The dynamo that drives any labor
and delivery department in any hospital in the country is estrogen.
It is waist deep and can almost
be seen like an early morning fog. But unlike fog, it has self-awareness,
which allows only women and obstetricians to pass with impunity.
All others may enter only with permission and must be escorted
at all times. Soon-to-be first time fathers may enter, but whether
or not they exit without detrimental effect depends on their behavior
and usefulness while in the birthing room.
There is a code of conduct unknown to you, dad, that your wife
expects you to follow while in the birthing room. She will not
tell you about it, she expects you to know about it. From her point
of view, it is as obvious as your nose. However, as things usually
happen between men and women, what is obvious to one is invisible
to the other.
Many men will not understand nor appreciate the needs of his
wife while she is in labor. If you ask that man thirty years from
now
if he would go back in time and change his attitude during the
birth of his children he will probably give a resounding “yes.” For
30 years his name has been “Mud” every time the subject
of delivering babies came up. This is to say every time his wife
could crowbar the subject into the conversation. It is like the
Chinese water torture, at the beginning it is easy to cope, but
after a week of drip, drip, drip, well... the picture is clear.
His name will continue to be mud until the day she dies. So, if
you do not want to be the sorriest so-and-so in nine counties keep
a few thoughts in mind as your first child is born and you will
fair well.
Do not ever forget that your sole purpose at being
in the birthing room is to provide strength and support to your
wife. She will
suffer considerable anxiety over the delivery, especially if it
is her first time. She may have taken birthing classes and she
may have been told what it is going to be like by a dozen different
people, but until she actually experiences delivering a baby she
will be apprehensive.
Labor takes a long time, normally anywhere
from 12 to 18 hours, perhaps longer. Most of the time labor takes
place at night, so
it is imperative, dad, for you to be comfortable. With that in
mind it is recommended that you have a bag ready to go not only
for her, but for you as well, when she announces it is time.
You will need a comfortable pair of shoes. Dress shoes or boots
are not the thing to wear when you will have to be on your feet
for several hours. Also, comfortable clothing is a must. Not even
the doctor will wear a suit and tie while delivering a baby.
You might want to put some toiletries in your bag. It cannot
be overstated labor takes a long time. By the time it is finished
you will be glad you packed a toothbrush and a comb.
At some point in time you will want to take photos or video of
the ongoing events. One of the worst mistakes dads make, according
to labor and delivery nurses, is that dads use up all the video
battery or camera film before baby arrives. Again, labor takes
a long time, shoot a few pictures of the room and your wife when
you arrive and then put the camera down. The same is true with
the video camera – just a few minutes of video then set it
aside. The next big event will be when the doctor comes in to deliver
the baby. Everything in between will be redundant.
From the time you arrive at the hospital until the
birth of your baby, mom will be working harder than you think possible.
She may
be allowed to drink something but she will not be allowed to eat.
She cannot take a break from the incessant labor contractions.
She cannot get up and simply leave. Therefore, it is your responsibility
to ensure she is as comfortable as possible by ministering to her
needs.
If she needs an extra pillow, get an extra pillow. If she wants
the head of the bed lowered, lower the head of the bed. If she
asks you to rub her shoulder or hold her hand, do so. If she has
to get up and walk the halls to help labor along, go with her and
walk slowly. She is in it for the duration and is not responsible
for her actions. The baby is controlling everything: her body,
her moods, and through her, you. It does no one any good to show
impatience, exasperation or anger. It will only cause more stress
for your wife and get you talked about badly.
Among other things, leave the TV alone unless she
specifically requests it. It does not matter that the Braves are
playing or
the race is on. If you ask she might tell you it is okay, but do
not ask. The day is for her not you, when you have your by-pass
operation you can watch all the TV you want.
Do not forget that although your wife will not be allowed to
eat you may eat anything you want within reason. It probably would
not be a good idea to bring a basket of nachos and cheese dip
into
the room. The same is true for a box of Varsity hotdogs. However,
you will get hungry and a pack of crackers and a soda will not
be sufficient.
Hospitals usually have a cafeteria open during normal dining
hours and a grill open 24 hours/day. It is okay to go get something
to
eat if everything is going along smoothly. Be mindful of your wife
and do not stay gone long. If events are such that you cannot leave
ask the nurses if they would help you get something to eat. Most
of the time, depending on their work load, they are more than happy
to assist you.
By the time baby is ready to make its grand entrance
it will be time to pick up the camera again. As long as you do
not blind anyone
with the flash it is okay to take pictures of whatever you want.
Moreover, the nurses are well versed in the use of a wide variety
of cameras and camcorders and will take a picture of you and your
new baby for you. You would be wise to have discussed with your
wife beforehand what constitutes appropriate photos.
Even though baby is finally here, you still have one important
hurdle to clear in order to be considered as having done a good
job. You have to spread the word and if you do not pass along the
correct information all your good work will be for naught.
As a general rule men want to know two things, what the sex of
the baby is and is mom doing well. The details are unimportant.
Women, however, require details. Having a baby is a defining event
in a woman’s life; it is also a benchmark by which women
compare themselves to one another. Therefore, dad, you have to
provide certain extra information to women. Understand that what
you provide is not nearly enough, but coming from a man it will
be more than they expected and will be appreciated; they will also
brag on you to your wife.
Women want to know the length (how long a baby is, is termed “length” until
baby can walk at which time it is referred to as “height”),
weight (pounds AND ounces), color of hair and eyes, total time
of labor, time of birth and who the baby looks like. Some babies
look like little people and it is easy to discern whom they favor.
Others look like they came from Area 51 and try as you might you
just cannot tell whom they resemble. It is all subjective.
One suggestion for getting the news out is to arrange a phone
tree so you can call one person and let that person make all the
calls
for you. Give that person all the pertinent information and let
them do the calling. In a day or so you can make follow-up calls
when it is more convenient.
Once your wife is resting comfortably in her room your job is
over. The nurses will take good care of your son or daughter and
you
can go home for some much needed rest. When you wake up and come
back to the hospital just remember, the easy part of being dad
is over, the life-long part is just beginning. Happy Father’s
Day!
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