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Dad's Chair
Do's and Don'ts for Dads in the Birthing Room
By Dan Giles
June/July 2003

The dynamo that drives any labor and delivery department in any hospital in the country is estrogen. It is waist deep and can almost be seen like an early morning fog. But unlike fog, it has self-awareness, which allows only women and obstetricians to pass with impunity. All others may enter only with permission and must be escorted at all times. Soon-to-be first time fathers may enter, but whether or not they exit without detrimental effect depends on their behavior and usefulness while in the birthing room.

There is a code of conduct unknown to you, dad, that your wife expects you to follow while in the birthing room. She will not tell you about it, she expects you to know about it. From her point of view, it is as obvious as your nose. However, as things usually happen between men and women, what is obvious to one is invisible to the other.

Many men will not understand nor appreciate the needs of his wife while she is in labor. If you ask that man thirty years from now if he would go back in time and change his attitude during the birth of his children he will probably give a resounding “yes.” For 30 years his name has been “Mud” every time the subject of delivering babies came up. This is to say every time his wife could crowbar the subject into the conversation. It is like the Chinese water torture, at the beginning it is easy to cope, but after a week of drip, drip, drip, well... the picture is clear. His name will continue to be mud until the day she dies. So, if you do not want to be the sorriest so-and-so in nine counties keep a few thoughts in mind as your first child is born and you will fair well.

Do not ever forget that your sole purpose at being in the birthing room is to provide strength and support to your wife. She will suffer considerable anxiety over the delivery, especially if it is her first time. She may have taken birthing classes and she may have been told what it is going to be like by a dozen different people, but until she actually experiences delivering a baby she will be apprehensive.

Labor takes a long time, normally anywhere from 12 to 18 hours, perhaps longer. Most of the time labor takes place at night, so it is imperative, dad, for you to be comfortable. With that in mind it is recommended that you have a bag ready to go not only for her, but for you as well, when she announces it is time.

You will need a comfortable pair of shoes. Dress shoes or boots are not the thing to wear when you will have to be on your feet for several hours. Also, comfortable clothing is a must. Not even the doctor will wear a suit and tie while delivering a baby.

You might want to put some toiletries in your bag. It cannot be overstated labor takes a long time. By the time it is finished you will be glad you packed a toothbrush and a comb.

At some point in time you will want to take photos or video of the ongoing events. One of the worst mistakes dads make, according to labor and delivery nurses, is that dads use up all the video battery or camera film before baby arrives. Again, labor takes a long time, shoot a few pictures of the room and your wife when you arrive and then put the camera down. The same is true with the video camera – just a few minutes of video then set it aside. The next big event will be when the doctor comes in to deliver the baby. Everything in between will be redundant.

From the time you arrive at the hospital until the birth of your baby, mom will be working harder than you think possible. She may be allowed to drink something but she will not be allowed to eat. She cannot take a break from the incessant labor contractions. She cannot get up and simply leave. Therefore, it is your responsibility to ensure she is as comfortable as possible by ministering to her needs.

If she needs an extra pillow, get an extra pillow. If she wants the head of the bed lowered, lower the head of the bed. If she asks you to rub her shoulder or hold her hand, do so. If she has to get up and walk the halls to help labor along, go with her and walk slowly. She is in it for the duration and is not responsible for her actions. The baby is controlling everything: her body, her moods, and through her, you. It does no one any good to show impatience, exasperation or anger. It will only cause more stress for your wife and get you talked about badly.

Among other things, leave the TV alone unless she specifically requests it. It does not matter that the Braves are playing or the race is on. If you ask she might tell you it is okay, but do not ask. The day is for her not you, when you have your by-pass operation you can watch all the TV you want.

Do not forget that although your wife will not be allowed to eat you may eat anything you want within reason. It probably would not be a good idea to bring a basket of nachos and cheese dip into the room. The same is true for a box of Varsity hotdogs. However, you will get hungry and a pack of crackers and a soda will not be sufficient.

Hospitals usually have a cafeteria open during normal dining hours and a grill open 24 hours/day. It is okay to go get something to eat if everything is going along smoothly. Be mindful of your wife and do not stay gone long. If events are such that you cannot leave ask the nurses if they would help you get something to eat. Most of the time, depending on their work load, they are more than happy to assist you.

By the time baby is ready to make its grand entrance it will be time to pick up the camera again. As long as you do not blind anyone with the flash it is okay to take pictures of whatever you want. Moreover, the nurses are well versed in the use of a wide variety of cameras and camcorders and will take a picture of you and your new baby for you. You would be wise to have discussed with your wife beforehand what constitutes appropriate photos.

Even though baby is finally here, you still have one important hurdle to clear in order to be considered as having done a good job. You have to spread the word and if you do not pass along the correct information all your good work will be for naught.

As a general rule men want to know two things, what the sex of the baby is and is mom doing well. The details are unimportant. Women, however, require details. Having a baby is a defining event in a woman’s life; it is also a benchmark by which women compare themselves to one another. Therefore, dad, you have to provide certain extra information to women. Understand that what you provide is not nearly enough, but coming from a man it will be more than they expected and will be appreciated; they will also brag on you to your wife.

Women want to know the length (how long a baby is, is termed “length” until baby can walk at which time it is referred to as “height”), weight (pounds AND ounces), color of hair and eyes, total time of labor, time of birth and who the baby looks like. Some babies look like little people and it is easy to discern whom they favor. Others look like they came from Area 51 and try as you might you just cannot tell whom they resemble. It is all subjective.

One suggestion for getting the news out is to arrange a phone tree so you can call one person and let that person make all the calls for you. Give that person all the pertinent information and let them do the calling. In a day or so you can make follow-up calls when it is more convenient.

Once your wife is resting comfortably in her room your job is over. The nurses will take good care of your son or daughter and you can go home for some much needed rest. When you wake up and come back to the hospital just remember, the easy part of being dad is over, the life-long part is just beginning. Happy Father’s Day!

 

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