Teen Talk
   . . . with Dr. David

Questions about the preteen and teenage years can be mailed to Athens Parent Magazine, P.O. Box 1251, Athens, Georgia 30603 or sent via email to editor@athensparent.com. Your questions may be used in this column, but names will be kept confidential.

Dear Dr. David,

I have a 14-year-old daughter with a low self-esteem. She has a difficult time being assertive with her friends, which leads to her feelings being hurt by them. It is very difficult as a parent to help her see how special she is to our family. What can I do to help her through this difficult time?

Sincerely,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

I know you must feel helpless as you watch your daughter struggle to discover how precious her life is to you, the family, herself and God. One of the most difficult experiences as a parent is to watch others be hurtful to our children. I have heard many stories from teenagers over the years concerning their spirits being broken by others. Unfortunately, kids being hurtful to one another as they attempt to find their place in this world mark the adolescent culture. The important thing as a parent is to provide encouragement to your daughter without attempting to talk her out of her hurtful feelings. Well-meaning parents can sometimes invalidate their children, which only serves to lower their self-esteem all the more. Inviting your daughter to put words on her feelings will help her establish her own voice. An empathetic response from you can be very fruitful (e.g., "I can understand how hurtful that must have been for you"). Empathy toward a child is one of the most important acts of love a parent can give. However, asking timely questions that encourage problem solving is also very important to a teenager's self-esteem.

Teenagers often share stories with me concerning difficult experiences with peers at school. After empathizing with them, I will eventually ask, "What do you think you need to do about that?" This question serves to communicate two important things:

(1) You are important enough to act on your feelings and not remain passive; (2) You have plenty of problem-solving abilities within you. As your daughter comes up with options, reflect (playback) on what she is saying. I recommend that if your daughter is reluctant to brainstorm options, suggest that both of you take some time to think about it and then meet again. The important thing is to help you daughter clarify what she believes is good and right (her values) and then ACT ON IT. I believe that self-esteem is enhanced when people make their beliefs and actions congruent.

When putting actions on our beliefs becomes the priority, the outcome becomes secondary. Encouraging our children to clarify their beliefs generates the internal motivation (empowerment) that they will carry with them the rest of their lives. Our culture suggests that our worth comes from our appearance and accomplishments. Encouraging your teenager to "be true" to that inner voice serves to replace that paradigm.

Finally, communicating your unconditional love for your daughter will both strengthen the relationship and heal her spirit. I recently lost my father to a long-term illness. I will forever hold on to his words as I sat with him during his final hours of this life; "David, I love you so much that it hurts."
I wish you well as you follow your heart in your efforts to do the most important job in the world, parenting.

Sincerely,
David W. Anderson, Ph.D.

David W. Anderson, Ph.D. is the owner of the Providence Counseling Center in Oconee County, Georgia. He serves the Athens area by helping adolescents, children and families create more satisfying and adventurous lives.